The Caring Corner :)

[ElPoco]

I had the same thing after a breakup, I was already quite thin and lost appetite, but it didn't lead to any health problem and I eventually went back to normal.
What helped me was my job (so that I could occupy my mind with something else) and friends and family who took me out and made me feel that I was still someone worth loving.

 

[kasp]

Well you can accept the facts as they lie or make up a fantasy on why this shit occurred.

Regardless you can never trust her again. Shes lied when she cheated and shes stringing you along right now just in case it doesn't work. She sounds manipulative to be honest, not even a crazy person would pull on the heart strings like that.

You might believe you deserve playing 2nd fiddle but you don't. Move on, at best you have a crazy cheating lady with brain tumors. Theres a point where you need to walk away and you are long past that.

 

[DrHAX]

I have no friends. I lost my friends this year.., and my family doesn't let me speak they never have.

When I was with my fiancées mother they called and demanded I come back home and clean my room like a 8 year old kid.

All this negativity of the world isn't helping. I am on the verge of crying, screaming and just....

I just want to be alone. I just want to hide.

 

[Klumpen]

I have no friends. I lost my friends this year.., and my family doesn't let me speak they never have.
When I was with my fiancées mother they called and demanded I come back home and clean my room like a 8 year old kid.

Unfortunately, basic respect is nothing you can expect from most people and the more you disrespect yourself, the worse it gets from the outside too like a vicious circle.

I've said it before and I still think you should seriously consider starting a new life elsewhere (preferably somewhere where the rent is cheaper).
Since you are not really bound by miss unfaithful anymore now, you could also see this as a chance.
Right now, going back to you is her Plan B. You are too valuable for just being a Plan B.

 

[jparish1977]

I have no friends. I lost my friends this year.., and my family doesn't let me speak they never have.

When I was with my fiancées mother they called and demanded I come back home and clean my room like a 8 year old kid.

All this negativity of the world isn't helping. I am on the verge of crying, screaming and just....

I just want to be alone. I just want to hide.

Don't run. Don't hide. Don't take her back. In my experience any of the three just make things worse. They make it hurt less sometimes, but that doesn't make it better. Being cheated on sucks. Being cheated on by your SO with your friend is a million times worse, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to write them both off as a loss. The rage will dwindle, the guilt and wondering what you could have done differently will subside. If you run, if you hide, if you go back into that situation, it will not dwindle, not subside, just lay buried under self delusion. Accept the pain my friend, it won't kill you, it probably won't make you any stronger either, but it will subside.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

 

[Kev2442]

I've seen things similar to this happen before. Not that I have any definitive solution to this, but you have all my sympathy and empathy.
There's a reason people make a whole research field. They seem complicated and random to most of us. Those who don't think so are probably wrong.

She might be sincere. We all make mistakes, some worse than others. She might realize it and regret, even if this doesn't look like it. For now, at least.
She might just as well be completely lost. Maybe she'll come back, maybe she won't.
All in all, she hurt you and probably hurt herself as well. This is not an excuse for anything you may do to each other, but it always gives reasons.

Suit yourself, follow your instincts. If you want some time apart, take your chance. Same goes if you want to wait for her or completely run away from what ails you.
Just don't force yourself to do anything you don't want to. Don't blindly do what others tell you to, including what I'm saying, haha.

Don't have too much rest or stay indoors for too long, it's a vicious circle. Depression is more easily achievable than one thinks.
You like your Bug, then plan a trip. Litterally changing your scenery will let you put things in perspective. There's probably a Beetle owner's club nearby if you haven't joined one already.
For lack of making best friends, at least you'll find something in common with other people. Kinda like this very forum, in fact.
Whatever you decide to do, remember that when there's life, there's hope and, as we froggies say, hope makes one live.

Take care and here, have a smile :

 

[Klumpen]

Litterally changing your scenery will let you put things in perspective.

Aww, that was a cute wording.

@DrHAX If you happen to make a trip to Germany, you're welcome to crash at my place anytime.

 

[Caine]

If she was sincere she would not stay with the guy; while claiming she wants to come back.
Actions speak louder than words ... and all the other cliches.

That said, it is your life and your decision. You are a good guy DrHAX.
No matter your choice, I hope things will become better from hereon out.

 

[kuru]

Sounds like your parents aren't helping things. Do you live with them, or do they have a key to your place?

And what exactly are they mad at you for?

 

[DrHAX]

I live with them. I have too there's no cheap places for rent around here. So we were with my folks. My mother is overbearing and never liked my fiancée. my father had a tendency to strike me and throw me around in my youth and scream at me. Actually when I went to prom with my fiancée I had a gash above my eye from him bouncing me off of the footboard and slamming me to the ground.

This was 4 years ago.

My mother only cares about her show car and politics... nothing else, and she'll override anything you say.

So with my speech impediment you can see how this is amazing...

My family is vigorously trying to remove any element of my fiancée from my life. My mother stormed my room and started packing things up.. but most of what she was packing up was mine which nearly caused me to have a break down.

I couldn't fully finish a day of work. My fiancée called me and we had a long talk. She told me everything as well as telling me point blank she was excited for Albany. She said she's trying to make it so we can have a life, so she can feel something.

Her alexythima is disappearing, and she was point blank to explain her plan to me.

I told her too the whole world it appears as If she's there to bang this friend. She promised that's not the case.

I told her it's basically a warzone back here, and that she does anything with this friend the damage will be devastating for her.

She said in a sad voice if I do that than I don't deserve come back.

If she never cheated on me, and was visiting that person... things would sound so different. But I can see why she's there because he was her best friend. If you omit that part that she cheated on me with him the story has hope.

And the fact she's willing to tell me everything about the event tells me things, but I am still worried. And I am still scared.

I am scared for her safety. I am scared for her mother which mine cut off contact with. "She's not welcome in our home!" Declared my mother.

My family is a family of ultimatums of thier choosing. They have decided what is best for me without my consent, and they don't know me.

My fiancée's mother knows me bettter than my mother does. How sad is that?

So if her word is sound, her plan is to get a job, respark her art for now she feels the world. She is doing this so we can have a future together and she promised me if he tries to kiss her she'll slap him. She told everything she loves about me, and she's so sad that I can't fully trust her but she understands why. She said she'll tell me everything that happens.

And she has... she's been to her word, and she used the last of her battery life to tell me these things. To help me pick myself after I left work early.

This is so much more complicated than what it looks like. Also I brought her to that bus station.

 

[kuru]

Your parents sound a lot like mine. Getting out of their house was the best thing I've done for myself in all my life. Look for a joint residence, heck, even just a dump of a place would be better than what sounds like self torture.

That so-called friend btw, I'd give him a stern talking to, if you catch my drift.

I wish I could be there and have a few beers with you mate. Chin up!

 

[DrHAX]

Today I had a scare. I woke up at 1:50 with absurd abdominal pain and ran down stairs.

Put a spoiler tag because it's kind of gross

Spoiler

Once I was done using the restroom I saw only mucus and some blood... I told my mother later 4:30ish and she's irritably going to make an appointment for me. Not 10 minutes latter did I loose control of my functions..

All I can say is I'm scared. I messaged my fiancée. I hope I don't have anything serious but truth be told I've noticed small amounts of blood before. Now I'm scared

 

[ElPoco]

Stress tends to do that kind of thing to your body, especially to digestive functions. But this seems a bit stronger than usual reactions.
I agree with those who say that you need to get away for a while, especially with your family situation. Do you have any friend or extended family where you could stay?

 

[DrHAX]

No... the only chance I might have is my fiancée's mother if I didn't have the snake I'd be sleeping at public rest stops in the back of the vw bug

And I don't want to loose sammy

 

[FBnil]

@DrHAX: *puts arm around DrHax back* - It hurts as a motherfucker, bro, I know. Hang in there, ok?
The heart is feeble and overrules the mind quite often. Perhaps the motivation was fleeing and leaving everything behind, and dreams of what-if.... whatever it may be... you seem the kind that is willing to forgive, however, love yourself a little too and take it rationally. Who knows, with those single hiccups, maybe a synapsis connection went wrong too and a decision was made...
For now, do not dwell on what if she keeps her word (and if she does... will you be there in her plans). At the moment, you are more important to yourself.

Also concur: If stress and nervous reaction gives you those symptoms, you really need to calm down.

Also: real love is not being afraid of letting go. You bringing her to the bus is a sign your love is more real than you imagine. (your as in: from you to her)

I often contemplate: Will I dump the Pandora when the Pyra arrives? How would this menage-a-trois work?

 

[rygD]

Pandora for games around the house, Pyra for the rest of the time and web browsing. That is my plan, at least.

 

[DrHAX]

Talked to my fiancée today. There's been some obvious odd things going on. This "friend" is starting to try to sever contacts my fiancée has, and emphasing that I am abusive.

My fiancée's voice held strength and energy at the bus station but now its timid and weak. Even her mother noticed that, she was able to talk to this friend who is hair rising on the back of the neck quiet. We fear .. no we know she is being manipulated.. because if this guy was any good why would he try to stop her from talking to her mother?

My fiancée's mother is going to try to get in contact with his mother. I'm staying positive with her and giving positive messages. I feel she might be shutting down and building a wall around her.

Also I had a premonition of him smacking her and calling her a "female dog." I've had visions like these before, and they come true.

I just hope she's okay. I know some of you guys are going to say she dug her grave she has to lay in it, but I am not that type of person. Even if she comes back and breaks up with me as long as she's safe it's worth it. My situation is bizzare and honestly sounds like the start of a novel. Life is stranger and more complicated than fiction!

 

[kasp]

To be honest I find it sad.

She's lying to you and well you seem to be doing everything in your power to blame your ex friend when in reality everything lies squarely on your fiancees feet. She cheated with him, she decided to move in with him. That is the reality and it really sounds like she has you as a backup plan.

Even if she came back you could never trust her again.

Go to the gym, work on yourself and move on.

 

[ElPoco]

It's true that taking the victim to a new place and trying to sever her contacts is indeed one of the first steps of an abusive relationship.
They're also the first steps you need to take to get someone away from a toxic environment.
Judging from what you wrote about the difficulties you faced when you were together, that friend might truly be concerned about her well-being and feel that taking her away from that toxic environment (sadly including you as well, even if you're well-meaning) is the best. And as hard as it can be for you to accept it, it might be for the best for her.

So if you want to act in her best interest, you'll have to be able to tell which one it is. You're in shock and your strong emotions are likely to cloud your judgment. Having that friend who's taking her away from you be a manipulative abuser is a convenient story, and telling ourselves that kind of story is the way many of us deal with difficult situations.

I think you'll need to get the opinions of people who will be able to approach the situation with a cooler head. It's good that you can have the opinion of her mother, it would be great if you could also get one of her closest friend to check on that situation. If you know any ex-girlfriend of that guy, you can also see if his relationship with them had hints of abuse as well. You might also be able to turn to organizations that help victims from abusive relationships. They should have people who know how abusive relationships work and can tell you if this is one and how to react if it is.

 

[Kev2442]

she dug her grave she has to lay in it

Well if that was also the case with funeral arrangements, my grandpa would have died like 20 years earlier than yesteryear

I agree on the belief that people deserve help no matter what they did. I don't mean they shouldn't face the consequences of their actions either, but you don't simply close the door to a relative/close friend making amends.
I'm afraid only time will tell if what's going on is for the better.