I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for longer than I should have, starting at an age they shouldn't have (around 15). The core of the issue kept changing over time, starting with a lack of belonging. What would I do if people I cared about just left my life? What about the things I care about? What if those things don't lead into bigger things and I fail? The issue was never addressed; I sort of just pushed it to the back of my head, cared less, and eventually forgot. Guess I must've grown out of it because of that apathy, seeing as how I don't care much for "belonging" to part of a whole. Except for work. That's kind of important. And certain social settings such that I'm not the odd one out. Or a wallflower.
Then came the phase of floating through college, not knowing what to do and constantly fearing failure (which is a horrible thing to do) because of it. I wasn't prepared at all, and those thoughts of just disappearing kept creeping up. Well, if you want a respite from daily stresses and fears, then...y'know. It IS college, after all. I should point out, at this juncture, that no bottle, substance or form of escape will cause problems to go away; those problems will still be there after the fun's done. That's the #1 thing I learned during those experiences. At least I got that first-hand experience early.
But after I dropped out though? Man...it's like my worst fears just hit me at once. I felt like nothing but a failure. Just another statistic. I came to the conclusion that I just wasn't much of a go-getter (at the time; I refuse to be thought of as anything else now), and that was the core issue of all my problems. I wanted to make the change (I eventually did), but I felt as if it was too late. Even my dad told me, the day I left the campus, that the expression on my face made me look like I wanted to off myself. Well...I'm not a very hard read anyway (except that, when I think I have a blank look on my face, people sometimes tell me I look mad or angry, even though I'm not). I felt like coming to terms with that AFTER I failed miserably was too late, and there was no hope for me.
Outside of a lack of initiative, I had deeper-rooted problems with myself. I'm not going to go into detail as to what the problems were or how I confronted those issues and how I made the change, but I eventually did. Getting a job and working hard at it certainly helped, but only with my work ethic.
Even now, as I'm moving forward with my life, as I'm presented opportunities to upgrade my life, I sometimes wonder if maybe I should just check out. However, I'm stronger now. Rather than have those thoughts hover over me like a knife on a string, I acknowledge that they exist in my head and focus on things I couldn't accomplish if my head stops working for good. The Devil and I seem to have some similar interests, but since he's not real, I suppose killing myself would be a terrible way to try meeting such a character.
...this is the kind of shit that shouldn't even be on a tech forum. I blame the Europeans. The forum's reason for existing, the person who created this thread, and many of the spirits I like led to this.
