The Caring Corner :)


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^ I battle not with depression (I beat that years ago), but with disinterest.


Mostly I have this idea that I should be excited, enthusiastic, interested and motivated... about something, anything...


I feel a lot better when I remember it's just an idea... I let it go and it feels like I empty. Not even thoughts are interesting. There I am. Just existing, without purpose, drive or reason.


Then I have a good night's sleep.


And then I wake up irritated, as my ego searches for meaning again in a world where things are supposed to matter.


Peace only arrives when I stop trying to quantify.


But looking for meaning or enjoyment in the world is only ever very temporary.


That doesn't mean I can't have lots of temporary enjoyments interspersed with periods of blissful indifference.


Why am I even posing this as an argument? Battling with an issue?


The issue is the idea of an issue. It doesn't even exist. I guess it is my conditioned egoic self desperately trying to survive as I slowly but surely strangle the life out of it...


...


=~. O =
 
^ it was the unconscious opinion of myself that was in dilemma. I haven't met a single person that was ever close to comprehending me... even the self confessed geniuses led themselves a merry little dance of assumption and delusion.


When I was younger it vexed me so... But now it's just boring.


If people look down on something I conjured up for them, it simply paints me a picture.


/serious





... what I do suffer from though is a compulsive seriousness, like being otherwise just for the sake of it. Oh you naughty ego you, you catch me every time!


*fetches pillow*


=~. O =
 
^ Oh don't worry, i would never even dream of expecting an online aquantence to know me. I'm only presenting one of my many personas here after all. :)


I was referring to 'real life people'.


=~. O =
 
^ I battle not with depression (I beat that years ago), but with disinterest.


Mostly I have this idea that I should be excited, enthusiastic, interested and motivated... about something, anything...


I feel a lot better when I remember it's just an idea... I let it go and it feels like I empty. Not even thoughts are interesting. There I am. Just existing, without purpose, drive or reason.


Then I have a good night's sleep.


And then I wake up irritated, as my ego searches for meaning again in a world where things are supposed to matter.


=~. O =

Chapter 1. Acting Man.

2. The Prerequisites of Human Action
We call contentment or satisfaction that state of a human being which does not and cannot result in any action. Acting man is eager to substitute a more satisfactory state of affairs for a less satisfactory. His mind imagines conditions which suit him better, and his action aims at bringing about this desired state. The incentive that impels a man to act is always some uneasiness [1]. A man perfectly content with the state of his affairs would have no incentive to change things. He would have neither wishes nor desires; he would be perfectly [p. 14] happy. He would not act; he would simply live free from care.

More here http://mises.org/humanaction/chap1sec2.asp
 
I might have wrecked my shoulder this morning.  It's sore but hopefully it is ok I really don't want any more downtime from lifting.

Now I lift early in the morning at around 5:30 since that time suits me the best. I was pretty tired this morning and was a bit sloppy but I figured hey I am not doing any max's it should be good.  I setup my power rack and I put the J hooks one notch too high. Hey fuck it isn't a max day it will be right.  Doing the incline press on my last set I missed the J hook  reracking due to being tired and it being slightly higher on the left side and disengaged with my left arm.  I am sitting there holding it up with the one arm in a really awful position and couldn't push it up due to angle and my muscles were disengaged.

So I am thinking should I drop it since I have safeties but this is an incline press so I would have to quickly move my head away, while I am contemplating this I start hearing a crunching noise coming from my shoulder, my joint was what was taking the load of the barbel. I quickly shot my right hand up and push the bar up further and barely managed to get it up. I really should have just dropped it but I didn't have enough time to think as what happened above probably occurred over 5 seconds.

I think I escaped just before I did anything serious however sometimes these things take time before the true nature of the damage reveals itself. However I certainly won't be doing anything with my rotator cuff for awhile to let it heal 100%.  Good thing I can still bench though, well providing I haven't rooted my shoulder  :D

Edit.  Ha just spoke with my dad on the phone and was telling him what happened and was complaining when he goes "Tell me about it

My dad lost his arm including shoulder in an accident many years ago so I feel like such a pussy now complaining about this.

Also I think my shoulder hasn't held up as good as I was hoping, time will tell really.
 
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I found out an old Athlon 1.3 Ghz  to use for a while... it is not a super PC but it's pretty decent, at least I can surf the net again.

The others PC seems to have "lost" their BIOS software... at least that's a supposition... the led and the fan are the only things that starts... even if I take away the RAM the PCs are not screaming in pain...
 
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Hope folks don't mind me sharing, but I do feel as though it may help..

I'm worried atm as I'm recognizing behaviour pattterns in myself (things have also been mentioned) that I used to follow when I had previous mental health issues, I guess the fact that I'm aware could be considered positive in a way, but I'm finding it difficult not to dwell on how things were previously which I'm sure isn't helping.

I quit my last job for a spurious reason as far as my employer was concerned, but the truth of the matter was that I didn't feel fully in control with what I was doing at times & as the job entailed working with people that had learning difficulties you can probably appreciate it's vital that you are paying very close attention to what is going on at all times.

I have made an appointment to see my GP today but am not looking forward to it as my previous experiences have been less than positive to say the least, I will still attend though as I do not want to revist the no mans land I've existed in previously when I was last ill.

& in more news.. received various overpayment bills that amount to more or less £1900 this morning (can't pay) and my cherished old three-legged canine friend has several issues that all require immediate attention & lots of money.

Apart from that all is well!.. thanks to anyone that's bothered to wade through, it does actually help me to think that folks here have heard what's going on

Cheers guys.
 
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Overpayment bills? Doesn't that mean they pay you back money, or am I misunderstanding you?

FWIW, you might find cognitive behavioural training useful if you've already identified the problem behaviours - it can help you work out the associated feelings and thoughts rationally, and once you have the thoughts identified you can reason them out. In the UK your doctor can refer you to the IAPT service (Improving Access to Psych Therapies, just the latest name for psych on the NHS), which can be CBT or counselling, or perhaps other therapies, so it might be worth asking about that.
 
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