(Bad)Joke Appreciation Corner

[Neelix]

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Witness: No.

Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

- Neelix

 

[PokeParadox]

A bit grim so apologies in advance...

How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I'm not sure, but apparently it's more than the 40 that are in my basement.

 

[comradekingu]

 

[Null]

I went into the Doctors and said "Doctor I think my blood sugar levels are dangerously high".


"What makes you think that?" he asked.


"Well every time I fart I find candyfloss in my underpants" I replied.

 

[Null]

The inventor of predictive text has died.


His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

 

[Null]

I can't believe you haven't heard any giant butter knife jokes.


They're so widespread.

 

[PokeParadox]

There are 10 types of people. Those that understand binary and those that don't.

There are two types of people. Those that can handle undetermined outcomes.

Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25

 

[Null]

"Has anyone seen my LSD tablets?" I called out.


"They're in your pocket," said my dog.


For every action, there is a social media overreaction.


"As you grow older, you become forgetful." My son said to me today.


"Who told you that?" I laughed.


"You did."

 

[Null]

I have a spring in my step.


It's like a launch pad for Jehovah's Witnesses.

 

[ZXDunny]

A tramp walks into a bar and asks the Bartender if he has any cocktail sticks. The Bartender hands him one, and the tramp leaves. Ten minutes later, another tramp walks in and asks for another cocktail stick. Puzzled now, the Bartender gives him a stick and again the tramp leaves. Another ten minutes go by and another tramp walks in.

The Bartender asks "I suppose you want a cocktail stick too?"

"No," says the tramp, "Have you got a straw?"

"Why do you want a straw?"

"Well, someone's been sick on the pavement outside and all the best bits have gone."

D.

 

[Null]

Anyone remember the nineties, when you'd have to clean your mouse balls?


I'm glad I don't have pets any more.

 

[Fzero]

There's some great CSS jokes here

http://www.reddit.com/r/web_design/comments/2nxdb8/css_puns_can_you_come_up_with_more/

Some groaners, some are quite genius

 

[Null]

The guy who invented Twister died this week. Fitting him into the coffin took 27 spins.

 

[dflatline]

^ It was still quicker than the time the hokey cokey guy died. They put the left foot in, the left foot out....

 

[Null]

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.


It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

 

[DrHAX]

What did the contractor say to the man who wanted to build the world's tallest needle?


"I just can't see the point."

 

[DrHAX]

I don't understand why my fiancee is mad at me after returning from the store with six loaves of bread. She told me before I left


"Could you go to the store and pick up a loaf of bread, if they have eggs then get six."

 

[Null]

"Ladies and gents."


That concludes our tour of the toilets.


I don't know why I just bought some new coconut shampoo...


I haven't even got any coconuts.


I was so upset when I discovered that Father Christmas wasn't real.


I nearly crashed my car.

 

[Null]

I was at my mate's stag night yesterday, when he and his brother handed me a glass full of yellow, lukewarm liquid.


"Drink it," they said, giggling. It was only when I smelt it that I realised the prank the bastards were trying to pull.


Fosters.

 

[Null]

All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.