Null
Snug
Is there anything more pointless than an autobiography having an 'About the Author' section?
Grammar Nazis long for the days of you're.
Grammar Nazis long for the days of you're.
(Bad)Joke Appreciation Corner
- Thread starter Løra (Lolla)
- Start date
Null
Snug
My wife has left me because she says I treat her like one of my pets...
She'll be back when she's hungry.
She'll be back when she's hungry.
Swordfish II
Advanced Member
- Joined
- May 20, 2015
- Messages
- 1,175
Why is Spiderman bisexual? He swings both ways
Null
Snug
I saw a sign yesterday that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a little picture of the criminal and a number to call.
I was bored so I rung them up and said, "No, I haven't."
I was bored so I rung them up and said, "No, I haven't."
Null
Snug
A man walks into library & asks if they have any books on coincidences. The librarian says, "As a matter of fact, this one's just arrived."
comradekingu
Glowing ember
What was the particularly English doctors diagnosis put forth as a reply to the woman whos retort claimed to underestimate the amount of men she had slept with.
"You seem to have developed dementia of the (word for) female genitalia"
"You seem to have developed dementia of the (word for) female genitalia"
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comradekingu
Glowing ember
Colonoscopy on two midgets is better than colonoscopy on no midgets.
rygD
Nihilistic Mystic
Why?
comradekingu
Glowing ember
Because their small intestine is clandestine, we must not be laxative on security.
rygD
Nihilistic Mystic
Truly bad. 
Ok, so I went to a clothing shop and looked around; eventually found a nice dress I wanted to try on.
So I asked the shop assistant if there was somewhere I could try the dress on. "Sure" she said, pointing me to a door. "Thank you", I replied.
So off I went, opened the door and went inside.
I looked around and all I could see were shelves and shelves and boxes of mustard, thousand island sauce, salad cream, vinegarette etc.
Going back outside the room, I said to the shop assistant: "Uhh..I think this is the wrong room".
After looking at me a bit confuzzled, she replied: "No no.....that is definitely the dressing room".
(Not a true story btw! - my life is not that eventful) Lolololol.
What do you call something that is from the Prehistoric era and says "I pity the fool"? Mr T Rex
So I asked the shop assistant if there was somewhere I could try the dress on. "Sure" she said, pointing me to a door. "Thank you", I replied.
So off I went, opened the door and went inside.
I looked around and all I could see were shelves and shelves and boxes of mustard, thousand island sauce, salad cream, vinegarette etc.
Going back outside the room, I said to the shop assistant: "Uhh..I think this is the wrong room".
After looking at me a bit confuzzled, she replied: "No no.....that is definitely the dressing room".
(Not a true story btw! - my life is not that eventful) Lolololol.
What do you call something that is from the Prehistoric era and says "I pity the fool"? Mr T Rex
Where did hitler send oranges grown in Israel?
A concentration juice camp
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comradekingu
Glowing ember
What was the name of the person who didn't appreciate the weight of the joke?
Jabba the hurt.
Jabba the hurt.
Slide rules are indeed a very old technology. In fact, the underlying principle goes all the way back to Noah.
After Noah got off the Ark, he sent the animals to go forth and multiply. And each month he went out to see how they were doing. As you might guess, after the first month or so there were baby rabbits, then baby cats and dogs soon after, and even a baby elephant after the first year. But month after month, Noah could find no baby snakes.
Finally it dawned on him that the snakes were cold blooded, and needed to sun themselves in order to get active. But the wet ground, and the lack of trees, had been perfect for bushes, weeds, and all kinds of plants, and the snakes were getting shaded out as it were. So Noah went back to the Ark, collected some timbers he'd used to strengthen the decks, and used them to build a table. And sure enough, the next month there were baby snakes! (scroll down...)
Which just shows to go, even an adder can multiply if you give him a log table.
After Noah got off the Ark, he sent the animals to go forth and multiply. And each month he went out to see how they were doing. As you might guess, after the first month or so there were baby rabbits, then baby cats and dogs soon after, and even a baby elephant after the first year. But month after month, Noah could find no baby snakes.
Finally it dawned on him that the snakes were cold blooded, and needed to sun themselves in order to get active. But the wet ground, and the lack of trees, had been perfect for bushes, weeds, and all kinds of plants, and the snakes were getting shaded out as it were. So Noah went back to the Ark, collected some timbers he'd used to strengthen the decks, and used them to build a table. And sure enough, the next month there were baby snakes! (scroll down...)
Which just shows to go, even an adder can multiply if you give him a log table.
Fzero
Advanced Member
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2010
- Messages
- 4,702
We had this new guy start at our workplace last week, and I had to pick him up in the van and bring him in on his first day, which I had no problem in doing.
When I picked him up, he was carrying a holdall bag, you know them old 80's style sports bags. Nothing too strange in that, but he kept it on his lap and it's a fairly large bag ... at least to be keeping on your lap in my van.
I said he can throw it in the back, and he was a bit abrupt, bit rude, saying "NO!". ...Not "No, thanks", or "I'm ok thanks".
So this got me a bit suspect to be honest.
Started driving us to work, and gave it about 2 minutes before asking him what he had in the bag again, as was bit big to be lunch and we supply all tools anyway.
His response.... "Mind your F%£king business!"
Now he was starting to wind me up, I asked him, politely. to just tell me what was in it, which I don't think was a problem, seeing as I've just picked him up for his first day at work.
Again, he swears and gives it "Mind your F%£king business!"
I told him that I wasn't going to drive him in if he carries on, by now I was seriously suspicious of him, and I told him to just tell me what was in, and I was more stern in asking now.. I know people who do drugs, I know about runners and moving keys around, so my thoughts now were that it's full of coke or weed or something dodgy.
And again he just said "Mind your F%£king business!" and point blank refused to tell me what was in it... so I told him to get out my van!
I ain't going to risk that, I know that if we get pulled over and searched and he is carrying, it will be me that loses my license and I can't afford for that to happen.
So he gets out and sods off ... good job too!
But, get this, I drive another few hundred yards up the road and see that he's left the bag on the floor of my van!
When I picked him up, he was carrying a holdall bag, you know them old 80's style sports bags. Nothing too strange in that, but he kept it on his lap and it's a fairly large bag ... at least to be keeping on your lap in my van.
I said he can throw it in the back, and he was a bit abrupt, bit rude, saying "NO!". ...Not "No, thanks", or "I'm ok thanks".
So this got me a bit suspect to be honest.
Started driving us to work, and gave it about 2 minutes before asking him what he had in the bag again, as was bit big to be lunch and we supply all tools anyway.
His response.... "Mind your F%£king business!"
Now he was starting to wind me up, I asked him, politely. to just tell me what was in it, which I don't think was a problem, seeing as I've just picked him up for his first day at work.
Again, he swears and gives it "Mind your F%£king business!"
I told him that I wasn't going to drive him in if he carries on, by now I was seriously suspicious of him, and I told him to just tell me what was in, and I was more stern in asking now.. I know people who do drugs, I know about runners and moving keys around, so my thoughts now were that it's full of coke or weed or something dodgy.
And again he just said "Mind your F%£king business!" and point blank refused to tell me what was in it... so I told him to get out my van!
I ain't going to risk that, I know that if we get pulled over and searched and he is carrying, it will be me that loses my license and I can't afford for that to happen.
So he gets out and sods off ... good job too!
But, get this, I drive another few hundred yards up the road and see that he's left the bag on the floor of my van!
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Hồng Thất Công
Đả Cẩu Bổng Pháp
So what's in it?!
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