(Bad)Joke Appreciation Corner

[Løra (Lolla)]

A pregnant woman calls up the hospital as her midwife is late for their appointment.


One of the midwives says "your midwife is on her way".


The midwife suddenly turns up in a sports car, dressed like a teenager, and with her toyboy.


Obviously this is inappropriate, so the pregnant woman turns her away.


That is what you call a 'mid wife crisis'

 

[Null]

"Get behind me Satan," demanded the priest.


And so order was restored to the lunch queue in Hell.

 

[Null]

RING


RING


CLICK


Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."


If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.


If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.


If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.


If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.


If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.


If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

 

[Binky]

Q: What did the nuclear physicist have for dinner on Friday night?

A: Fission chips!

 

[Null]

After winter, the trees are relieved.

 

[PokeParadox]

There are two nuns in a car and the devil lands on the bonnet.

One turns to the other and screams "Show him yer cross! Show him yer cross!"

And the other shouts "Get off my f**king car you a**ehole!"

 

[Null]

My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder.

 

[Null]

The incontinent Scotsman had a wee accident.

 

[Løra (Lolla)]

Why do zombies make better football players? They're great at scoring ghouls

 

[Null]

Why did the ghost go into the bar?

For the Boos.

 

[iprice]

Why did the ghost go into the bar?

For the Boos.

Are you sure it wasn't for the spirits? Or the atmosfear?

 

[Løra (Lolla)]

If it's a sports bar, could be for the ectoplasma tv

 

[Null]

Why did the vampire get fired from the blood bank?

He was caught drinking on the job.

 

[Løra (Lolla)]

What pet does Dracula have? A ghouldfish

 

[Null]

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?


He was buttering up his teacher.

 

[Null]

The cost of the space program is astronomical.

 

[PokeParadox]

There was an old lady and her family were thinking of putting her in a home.

They asked her to give it a chance and she agreed.

While she was there she was sat watching the TV and all of a sudden she started falling to one side. The nurse ran over and straightened her up.

This happened again and again until her family came to visit.

Thy asked here "How are you settling in?"

"OK", she said, "The people and staff are very nice, but they won't let me fart!"

 

[Null]

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.


One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of


the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."


The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."


The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Touch wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

 

[Binky]

Our roof was falling in, so we hired an applied physicist to stand there all day holding it up.

Is that what you'd call "a structural engineer"?

 

[Null]

The pilot was a loner but even for him flying a drone was just too remote.


The carpenter came round the other day, he made the best entrance I have ever seen.