(Bad)Joke Appreciation Corner


A man walks into a pet store and tells the pet store owner he wants to buy a parrot. A talking parrot that does not swear.

The owner walks the man to this parrot in a cage with strings around both legs. The man asks the owner "why the strings?"

The owner replies "Pull one".

The man puts his hand in the cage and pulls the left string and the parrot sings "God save the Queen"..

Now curious and amazed the man pulls the right string and the parrot sings Joe Cocker's " You are soooo beautiful to meeee".

So the man at his peak of curiosity asks the owner " I wonder what will happen if I pull both at the same time?"

The parrot replies " I will fall on my ass you dumb bastard!!!"
 
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I saw this cute homeless girl on the streets so I asked her if I could take her home. She smiled and said "of course". The look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box...
 
A doctor examines a homeless guy and says " Here now take this three times a day with water".

The homeless guy asks "What is it ?"

The doctor replies "soap".
 
"Euripdes trousers; you menda these trousers!"

That's how I once heard that old classic :)
 
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I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands but only one mouth.

I have a weight problem. I cannot wait to eat.

I am on a light diet. I only eat when it is light out.

I am on a seafood diet. I see food I eat it.
 
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A man walks into a bar and brags to all the patrons that he can taste and identify correctly what any drink is blindfolded. 

The bartender and a few patrons wager on this claim and proceed to blindfold the braggart and serve him the first drink.

The man says " Oh yes, Jack Daniels and Schweppes Ginger Ale with a orange twist". 

The patrons and the bartender are amazed. So the bartender mixes another libation.

The man says confidently " Oh glory be, a Dirty Beefeater Martini straight up with a lime twist".

Once again this happens for the third time .The man is right on the money again and nails the drink's content and is getting louder and arrogant. He boasts "A Black Russian with Grey Goose and Kahlua". Is that the best you've got"?""What a bunch of losers in this bar!!" "Come on now lads double or nothing"!!!! 

So now the patrons and the bartender are getting upset and very suspicious. 

Then the bartender comes up with an idea and decides to urinate in a glass and see what the man identifies this drink as!! He says to the patrons in a whisper "I'll show this bragging bastard a drink he will never get right!"

So the man drinks the drink and practically vomits it all up and exclaims "THIS TASTES LIKE PISS"!!!

 With that said the bartender replies,"Yea but whose is it"?
 
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A horse walks in to a bar and the bartender asks the horse "Why the long face"?

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

A guy walks into a bar angry ands yells "All lawyers are assholes!!" A man at the end of the bar proclaims "I object to that remark!" The angry guy asks "Why are you a lawyer?" The man at the end of the bar replies, "No but I'm an asshole".
 
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