Lettuce Dude
Hogarth the hairy Hippo.
You lot all seem to have a good sense of humor lets hear a few jokes. :rolleyes:
EDIT: Bugger I spelt heard wrong.
EDIT: Bugger I spelt heard wrong.
Herd Any Good Jokes Recently?
- Thread starter Lettuce Dude
- Start date
daclassicgamingmaster
It Is Your Birthday.
why is santa's sack so big?
Cuz he only "comes" once a year!
rofl
Cuz he only "comes" once a year!
rofl
Mr.Jabberwocky
Bloke with a brick on his head
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
nickspoon
vultum stultum habes
Can't beat DCGM, but here goes 
A hippie is sitting on a bus when a nun gets on. The nun sits next to the hippie, and the hippie thinks to himself 'Hey, she's sexy...' He turns towards the nun and says 'Hey, wanna have sex?' The nun, disgusted, declines and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver turns around and tells the hippie to go to the church at midnight and proclaim that he is God. Then the nun will have sex with him. So the hippie goes to the church at midnight and sure enough, there's the nun. The hippie shouts out 'I am God, and I will answer your prayers if you have sex with me.' The nun accepts, and they have sex. As soon as they're done, the hippie jumps up and shouts 'Ha! I'm the hippie!' The nun jumps up and shouts 'Ha! I'm the bus driver!'
A hippie is sitting on a bus when a nun gets on. The nun sits next to the hippie, and the hippie thinks to himself 'Hey, she's sexy...' He turns towards the nun and says 'Hey, wanna have sex?' The nun, disgusted, declines and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver turns around and tells the hippie to go to the church at midnight and proclaim that he is God. Then the nun will have sex with him. So the hippie goes to the church at midnight and sure enough, there's the nun. The hippie shouts out 'I am God, and I will answer your prayers if you have sex with me.' The nun accepts, and they have sex. As soon as they're done, the hippie jumps up and shouts 'Ha! I'm the hippie!' The nun jumps up and shouts 'Ha! I'm the bus driver!'
WarmFluffyUK
The Big Wad Bolf.
And my fave joke is:
A man buys a new pair of shoes, he thinks they are the biz. So he goes home and asks his wife.
"Honey, see anything new?"
"Nah." she says in a bored kinda way.
"Right!" he thought. He ran upstairs, took off all his clothes, including his socks, and runs back downstairs
"Now do you notice anything?"
"Yes it's Drooping" she said grinning and pointing at his manhood.
"That's coz it's LOOKING, at my NEW shoes!" he exclaimed with a certain satisfaction.
"WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT A HAT!!!!!!".......
A man buys a new pair of shoes, he thinks they are the biz. So he goes home and asks his wife.
"Honey, see anything new?"
"Nah." she says in a bored kinda way.
"Right!" he thought. He ran upstairs, took off all his clothes, including his socks, and runs back downstairs
"Now do you notice anything?"
"Yes it's Drooping" she said grinning and pointing at his manhood.
"That's coz it's LOOKING, at my NEW shoes!" he exclaimed with a certain satisfaction.
"WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT A HAT!!!!!!".......
Lettuce Dude
Hogarth the hairy Hippo.
I removed my joke cos It sucked so much It was starting to get imbarassing.
WarmFluffyUK
The Big Wad Bolf.
Weill we all like jokes, and so far:
daclassicgamingmaster: er we all heard it, but fun
Mr.Jabberwocky's joke was too complex to tell in a pub
nickspoon's was actually funny
Lettuce Dude's joke was ok, we all guessed the punchline but, er.....
Edit: I am not the forum ed, so please tell me to shut up if you disagree..
Edit2: Hey, we should have a vote on the most loved joke........
daclassicgamingmaster: er we all heard it, but fun
Mr.Jabberwocky's joke was too complex to tell in a pub
nickspoon's was actually funny
Lettuce Dude's joke was ok, we all guessed the punchline but, er.....
Edit: I am not the forum ed, so please tell me to shut up if you disagree..
Edit2: Hey, we should have a vote on the most loved joke........
nickspoon
vultum stultum habes
I vote WarmFluffy's.
daclassicgamingmaster
It Is Your Birthday.
A man gets onto a plane and finds himself sitting next to a very pretty woman. After a while they get talking; about half way through the flight, though, the captin come onto the radio and says that the plane is having serious engine problems and as they are over the Alps their chances don't look good.
Both the man and the woman sit and contemplate this for a while, and finally the woman turns to the man and says, "I want you to make me feel like a women in my final minutes."
At this the man stands up an starts to take off his shirt. The woman replies by doing the same until she feels the man's shirt thrown in her face followed by the statement
"Then iron this bitch."
HOLY SHIT I SLAY MYSELF
Both the man and the woman sit and contemplate this for a while, and finally the woman turns to the man and says, "I want you to make me feel like a women in my final minutes."
At this the man stands up an starts to take off his shirt. The woman replies by doing the same until she feels the man's shirt thrown in her face followed by the statement
"Then iron this bitch."
HOLY SHIT I SLAY MYSELF
WarmFluffyUK
The Big Wad Bolf.
Not funny sorry, just sexist.daclassicgamingmaster posted on Jul 5 2006 at 10:27 PM said:
Edit:
LMAO I thought I would say that for a laugh. sorry I am not going to dampen any jokes like that. Go ahead, I'm not a rep for womens lib, and to proove it my next but one gag will be takin the mick out of myyself..... (See next but one post)
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Mr.Jabberwocky
Bloke with a brick on his head
Nice one DCGM. Definitely the winner so far.
They have recently developed the i-pod breast implant. Breast implants that play music.
The inventors came up with the idea in response to the age-old complaint from women that men just stare at their breasts instead of listening to them.
They have recently developed the i-pod breast implant. Breast implants that play music.
The inventors came up with the idea in response to the age-old complaint from women that men just stare at their breasts instead of listening to them.
WarmFluffyUK
The Big Wad Bolf.
Q: What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?
A: Gifted!
Q: What d' you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant!
P.S. I'm blonde, and I love blonde jokes, as long as they are not silly or obviously a slur. Knock your heart out boys .
A: Gifted!
Q: What d' you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant!
P.S. I'm blonde, and I love blonde jokes, as long as they are not silly or obviously a slur. Knock your heart out boys
.
daclassicgamingmaster
It Is Your Birthday.
A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the clerk he wants some "protection", but has never had sex before.
The clerk asks "small, medium, large, or jumbo".
The man thinks about it for a bit, and then replys "medium, I guess. How much is it?"
The clerk scans the item, and says "$4.99 plus tax", to which the man blurts out "TAX?!?!?! I THOUGHT THEY STAYED ON BY THEMSELVES!!"
The clerk asks "small, medium, large, or jumbo".
The man thinks about it for a bit, and then replys "medium, I guess. How much is it?"
The clerk scans the item, and says "$4.99 plus tax", to which the man blurts out "TAX?!?!?! I THOUGHT THEY STAYED ON BY THEMSELVES!!"
T
TelcoLou
Guest
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick
:lol: :lol: :lol:
A: A stick
:lol: :lol: :lol:
WarmFluffyUK
The Big Wad Bolf.
A guy walks into a local chemist and says "I want some rat poison please ."
"Sorry we're out of rat poison, have you tries Boots?" the girls said
"ER, but I want to poison them, not kick em to death!"
"Sorry we're out of rat poison, have you tries Boots?" the girls said
"ER, but I want to poison them, not kick em to death!"
Mr.Jabberwocky
Bloke with a brick on his head
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The guy says.........
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,
"Well, how was it?"
The guy says.........
"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
triksR4rabits
The Dutchmaster
this one is pretty kid-friendly. one of my ol' time faves (sorry for the length)
A young mother was working all day, and she came home very frustrated. She was a terrible mother; her children were constantly hungry, and they would always plead for food of some sort. "Mama, mama!" said the first child. "Can you bake us some cookies?!?!"
NO! the mother roared. The second kid chimed in. "Mama, mama! please bake us some cookies!??!!!"
NO! she yelled again. Soon after her third child makes the same request. Mama can you please bake us some cookies!?!?!?
ALRIGHT! she screamed. In order to teach her bratty children a lesson, though, she placed a bullet in each cookie. The next day, her first child ran into her room, yelling "mama mama!!!! I... I... I went to the bathroom and a bullet came out!!!?!?" The mother chucked, and said 'that's okay'. Soon after, the second child burst in, screaming "Mama, mama!! I went to the bathroom and a bullet came out!?!?!" The mother laughed, and said 'that's fine.'
Soon after, the third child nearly broke the door down, yelling "Mama! MAMA!!!! I.." "I know, I know," said the mother, "you went to the bathroom and a bullet came out." "No, no no! I farted and I shot the dog!"
A young mother was working all day, and she came home very frustrated. She was a terrible mother; her children were constantly hungry, and they would always plead for food of some sort. "Mama, mama!" said the first child. "Can you bake us some cookies?!?!"
NO! the mother roared. The second kid chimed in. "Mama, mama! please bake us some cookies!??!!!"
NO! she yelled again. Soon after her third child makes the same request. Mama can you please bake us some cookies!?!?!?
ALRIGHT! she screamed. In order to teach her bratty children a lesson, though, she placed a bullet in each cookie. The next day, her first child ran into her room, yelling "mama mama!!!! I... I... I went to the bathroom and a bullet came out!!!?!?" The mother chucked, and said 'that's okay'. Soon after, the second child burst in, screaming "Mama, mama!! I went to the bathroom and a bullet came out!?!?!" The mother laughed, and said 'that's fine.'
Soon after, the third child nearly broke the door down, yelling "Mama! MAMA!!!! I.." "I know, I know," said the mother, "you went to the bathroom and a bullet came out." "No, no no! I farted and I shot the dog!"
WarmFluffyUK
The Big Wad Bolf.
LOL excellent slur on an old Kenny Everette jokeMr.Jabberwocky posted on Jul 5 2006 at 11:08 PM said:
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daclassicgamingmaster
It Is Your Birthday.
yeah really funny one jabberwocky :lol:
Wite_Noiz
Member
I'll attempt one, then (no promises):
Superman had clocked off for the day and decided to see if Catwoman wanted to go to the pub with him.
He'd secretly fancied her for ages and decided that he'd try it on tonight.
As soon as he gets to Catwoman's place, though, he sees her leaving all dressed up. When she sees him she looks nervously over her shoulder and asks what he wants.
He says about going to the pub but she doesn't appear to be listening and then nervously (look over her shoulder) declines and walks away.
Superman, quite pissed off that anyone could possibly say no to him, flies around for a few hours to calm himself down.
While in the air he looks down and can't believe his bionic vision: There below him is Catwoman - completely naked - lying under the stars.
Realising that she can't see him and he can move faster than anything, he flies down as fast as he can, screws her and flies away before she notices anything.
On the ground, Catwoman notices the sudden movement in the air and mutters "Huh... that was a strange wind."
The Invisible man shouts back "Strange wind! My ass is killing me!"
Superman had clocked off for the day and decided to see if Catwoman wanted to go to the pub with him.
He'd secretly fancied her for ages and decided that he'd try it on tonight.
As soon as he gets to Catwoman's place, though, he sees her leaving all dressed up. When she sees him she looks nervously over her shoulder and asks what he wants.
He says about going to the pub but she doesn't appear to be listening and then nervously (look over her shoulder) declines and walks away.
Superman, quite pissed off that anyone could possibly say no to him, flies around for a few hours to calm himself down.
While in the air he looks down and can't believe his bionic vision: There below him is Catwoman - completely naked - lying under the stars.
Realising that she can't see him and he can move faster than anything, he flies down as fast as he can, screws her and flies away before she notices anything.
On the ground, Catwoman notices the sudden movement in the air and mutters "Huh... that was a strange wind."
The Invisible man shouts back "Strange wind! My ass is killing me!"
