PSyMastR
\m/O__O\m/
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:WarmFluffyUK posted on Jul 11 2006 at 02:50 AM said:
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Herd Any Good Jokes Recently?
- Thread starter Lettuce Dude
- Start date
Wite_Noiz
Member
Just heard this one and thought of you guys. It's a real Java joke, of all things.
A char, an int and a Float walk in to a bar and see an attractive Double sitting at a table on her own.
After getting their drinks and sitting down, the char decides to try his luck and walks overt o the Double and says "Hey, babe. My VM or yours?". She slaps him and he walks dejectedly back to the table.
After seeing this, the int still wants to try his luck but knows he needs to use some care. He walks over and says "Hey, cute-stuff. Can I cook your Beans for breakfast?". She also slaps the int and he walks back to the table.
After a short time, the Float ambles over to the Double and says "Were those two primitive types bothering you?". She smiles and him and replies "Oh, I'm so glad you're here. One of them's a real character and they just have no Class!"
Wah wah waaaa!
A char, an int and a Float walk in to a bar and see an attractive Double sitting at a table on her own.
After getting their drinks and sitting down, the char decides to try his luck and walks overt o the Double and says "Hey, babe. My VM or yours?". She slaps him and he walks dejectedly back to the table.
After seeing this, the int still wants to try his luck but knows he needs to use some care. He walks over and says "Hey, cute-stuff. Can I cook your Beans for breakfast?". She also slaps the int and he walks back to the table.
After a short time, the Float ambles over to the Double and says "Were those two primitive types bothering you?". She smiles and him and replies "Oh, I'm so glad you're here. One of them's a real character and they just have no Class!"
Wah wah waaaa!
sam fisher
Well-Known Member
But why the hell would they be interested in the float?
The Char would of been 1/4 the size of the Double, if you count the '\0'
The Int and the Float would have been 1/2 the size of the Double
Meaning the Double would of been one hell of a fast bitch!
The Char would of been 1/4 the size of the Double, if you count the '\0'
The Int and the Float would have been 1/2 the size of the Double
Meaning the Double would of been one hell of a fast bitch!
nickspoon
vultum stultum habes
You fucking ruined the joke.sam fisher posted on Jul 22 2006 at 11:24 AM said:
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WarmFluffyUK
The Big Wad Bolf.
Here's two more for you:
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, spots a good place to stop for a beer. As he approaches the bar, and sees a big sign on the door that says,"NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
Hummm, Thinking this is a bit strange, he enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, looks him over and says
"You smell some kind of nerdy".
He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him "Why did you do that". The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The Nerds are in season because they are overpopulating this whole Silicon Valley. And Hey, "You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away. Believing he is doing the right thing, the truck driver reloads his gun. While Preparing to shoot a bunch more of them little nerdy guys, a highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of his car screaming at him, STOP!!! STOP!!!
"What's wrong officer? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman,
"But the limit is one per day, And you can't BAIT EM !!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?"
"Yep."
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, spots a good place to stop for a beer. As he approaches the bar, and sees a big sign on the door that says,"NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
Hummm, Thinking this is a bit strange, he enters and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, looks him over and says
"You smell some kind of nerdy".
He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds."
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him "Why did you do that". The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The Nerds are in season because they are overpopulating this whole Silicon Valley. And Hey, "You don't even need a license."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away. Believing he is doing the right thing, the truck driver reloads his gun. While Preparing to shoot a bunch more of them little nerdy guys, a highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of his car screaming at him, STOP!!! STOP!!!
"What's wrong officer? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman,
"But the limit is one per day, And you can't BAIT EM !!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------
WarmFluffyUK
The Big Wad Bolf.
And another load:
Q. What do Disney World & [*I AM STUPID SPAMMER*] have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy
Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.
Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They're going to call her Old Spice.
Q. Why can't women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.
Q. Why do women prefer old gynaecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "F*ck"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"
Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.
Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip!
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.
Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls
Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
Q. What do Disney World & [*I AM STUPID SPAMMER*] have in common?
A. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.
Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don't stop for directions.
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger.
Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. When his hand caught on fire.
Q. What did Adam say to Eve?
A. Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!
Q. How do you get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as an alter boy
Q. Why don't witches wear panties when flying on their broomsticks?
A. Better traction.
Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They're going to call her Old Spice.
Q. Why can't women read maps?
A. Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
Q. What's a virgin and a balloon have in common ?
A. All it takes is one prick and its all over.
Q. Why do women prefer old gynaecologists?
A. Their shaky hands!
Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo
Q. What is a zebra?
A. 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
Q. How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "F*ck"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"
Q. What is the difference between a female snowman and a male snowman?
A. Snowballs.
Q. What's the difference between pink and purple?
A. The grip!
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
A. Men always miss them.
Q. Why do bunnies have soft sex?
A. They have cotton balls
Q. What happens when you kiss a canary?
A. You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
Q. What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving?
A. Thanks for coming.
Q. How do you know when you honeymoon is over?
A. When he no longer smiles as he scrapes the burnt toast.
Yono
Active Member
In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMO's.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMO's.
Mr.Jabberwocky
Bloke with a brick on his head
firefly1201
Bleh.
And God said to John, "Come forth and you will recieve eternal life."
John came fifth and got a toaster.
John came fifth and got a toaster.
finty
what is this
I rounded a few up last week.
daclassicgamingmaster
It Is Your Birthday.
lol wow I want to live there! :lol:Mr.Jabberwocky posted on Jul 30 2006 at 07:43 AM said:
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WarmFluffyUK
The Big Wad Bolf.
LMAO, I will have to remember that!firefly1201 posted on Jul 30 2006 at 02:12 PM said:
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Mr.Jabberwocky
Bloke with a brick on his head
Divert your course
This is an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US Lincoln, the second largest ship in the US Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees to the north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Select here for Canadian response>CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.<
This is an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: No, I say again, divert YOUR course.
AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US Lincoln, the second largest ship in the US Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees to the north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Select here for Canadian response>CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.<
A man walks into a bar and sees a donkey.
He says to the bartender, "What's with the donkey?"
Bartender says, "If you can make my donkey laugh I'll give you $50"
So the man takes the donkey into the back room. When they come out the donkey is laughing.
Bartender says, "How did you get my donkey to laugh?"
Man says, "I told him I have a bigger penis than him"
Bartender, "Well here's your $50. If you can make my donkey cry I'll double it"
So the man takes the donkey into the back room again and when they come out, sure enough the donkey is crying.
Bartender says, "How'd you make my donkey cry?"
Man says, "I showed him my penis"
He says to the bartender, "What's with the donkey?"
Bartender says, "If you can make my donkey laugh I'll give you $50"
So the man takes the donkey into the back room. When they come out the donkey is laughing.
Bartender says, "How did you get my donkey to laugh?"
Man says, "I told him I have a bigger penis than him"
Bartender, "Well here's your $50. If you can make my donkey cry I'll double it"
So the man takes the donkey into the back room again and when they come out, sure enough the donkey is crying.
Bartender says, "How'd you make my donkey cry?"
Man says, "I showed him my penis"
Dzz
stmia r0!, {r2-r9}
It's a good joke. Just to make sure nobody thinks it is an actual event, seeMr.Jabberwocky posted on Jul 31 2006 at 05:14 AM said:
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthse.htm
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Mr.Jabberwocky
Bloke with a brick on his head
It is true, except it was the USS Montana and happened in the Irish sea.....here is a link to the video evidenceDzz posted on Jul 31 2006 at 03:29 PM said:
The evidence
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Dzz
stmia r0!, {r2-r9}
Hehe. Nice!Mr.Jabberwocky posted on Jul 31 2006 at 09:41 AM said:It is true, except it was the USS Montana and happened in the Irish sea.....here is a link to the video evidenceDzz posted on Jul 31 2006 at 03:29 PM said:
The evidence
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