Herd Any Good Jokes Recently?


Okay, here's some more light bulb jokes:

Q. How many 'Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, 'Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.

Q. How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None 'Real Women' would have plenty of 'Real Men' around to do it for them.

Q. How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.

Q. How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

Q. How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.

Q. How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. That's not funny!!!

Q. How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.

Q. How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it sure takes a sh*tload of light bulbs!

Q. How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. One to screw it in and the other to say ``Fabulous.'

Q. How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. But for the record, the old light bulb fell down the stairs. Honest gov.

Q. How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.

Q. How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A. This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...

And that's all folks!
 
Last edited by a moderator:
daclassicgamingmaster posted on Jul 6 2006 at 05:18 PM said:
My feminist/lightbulb joke was better than yours :p
Click to expand...
We need a vote on that :p

Here's another one:

There's this nun in the bath, and she hears a knock on the door.
"Who is it?" she shouts.
"Blind man, can I come in?"
"Yes okay" she shouts thinking he's not going to see anything if he's blind.
In walks a workman "Nice tits, now where do you want these blinds?"
 
Last edited by a moderator:
ok, not bad, not bad...here's a change....

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep


DSR
 
Er right. Is that REALLY a mans ideal day? Wouldn't you prefer to be with your girl all day, say on the beach having a barbeque or snuggled on the sofa with a good film?

Don't worry, I know it's a joke :D
 
A blonde goes into an electronics shop. She says to the shopkeeper: "I'd like that TV please". The shopkeeper shakes his head and says "Sorry, we don't serve blondes." The blonde storms out.
The next day, the blonde comes in with her hair dyed brown. She says to the shopkeeper: "I'd like that TV please". The shopkeeper shakes his head again and says "Sorry, we don't serve blondes." The blonde storms out again.
The day after, the blonde comes in wearing a balaclava. She says to the shopkeeper once again: "I'd like that TV please". The shopkeeper shakes his head again and says "Sorry, we don't serve blondes." Outraged, she shouts "HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS BLONDE?!?!" The shopkeeper says calmly: "That's a microwave."
 
wait , wait, I got a better one...

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a moron from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
























Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me..................................................................... before the operation."

:)

DSR
 
it's good, but i've heard it before.


Why do farts smell?

- so deaf people can enjoy them too!

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
- They dont want to miss it!


What's the similarity between [*I AM STUPID SPAMMER*] and disney world?
- You have to wait 3 hours for a 2 minute ride!
 
heehee, farts are funny!

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the ConnorPass.
At the ConnorPass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says,"Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

......THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits
the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat Parrotshooting either!"

.....IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"
 
oh fuckin awesome...loved that one..

here's another..
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."


DSR
 
chute4yg.gif
 
3 guys in a bar:

"Well boys, I'm going to buy my wife two cars for Christmas, one black and one red!" the first exclaims.

"Why two?" the others asked inquisitively.

"Well if she doesn't like the Red one, she can drive the black one!"

The second one adds "Well I'm buying her two race horses, one brown and one white for exactly the same reason as the cars!"

The third thinks for a second and exclaims "My Wife is getting a pair of fluffy slippers and a vibrator for Christmas!"

Puzzled they ask why.

"Well if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go F**K herself!"
 
WarmFluffyUK posted on Jul 6 2006 at 03:27 PM said:
3 guys in a bar:

"Well boys, I'm going to buy my wife two cars for Christmas, one black and one red!" the first exclaims.

"Why two?" the others asked inquisitively.

"Well if she doesn't like the Red one, she can drive the black one!"

The second one adds "Well I'm buying her two race horses, one brown and one white for exactly the same reason as the cars!"

The third thinks for a second and exclaims "My Wife is getting a pair of fluffy slippers and a vibrator for Christmas!"

Puzzled they ask why.

"Well if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go F**K herself!"
Click to expand...
Oh my....... :lol:
 
Last edited by a moderator:
So there's this woman trying to grow tomatoes but she can't get them turn turn red.
Her neighbour has beautiful red toms so she goes and asks him how.

'Well' says he 'Every morning I stand in front of them naked. They're so emberassed that they turn red and stay red.'
'Great! I'll try it' says she.

A few days later they meet on the street and he asks after her toms.
'I tried stripping naked for them but there's no reaction yet'
'Too bad - well it worked for mine'
'It's not all bad' says she 'my cucumbers are huge!'
 
One of the boys at work just told me this one:

This guy walks into a chip shop.

"Can I have a pissole and chips please?" asks the guy.

"A WHAT?" asks the guy behind the counter.

"It says on the sign outside - Pissole and chips £1.55." the guy remarked.

"Ohh that! A little bit has dropped off the sign, it's an R!" the guy behind the counter explains.

"Fine, I will have an arsole and chips then..."

:blink: Cue corny wah wah wah music :blink:
 
Here's one my grandfather told me when I was young.

Little red riding hood arrives at grandma's house and of course the wolf lies in the grandmother's bed. Little red riding hood looks at him and asks "Grandma, how come you have such big eyes?" - "Shut up and get out, I'm taking a shit."

(Insert sting here)
 
A man dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, shows him three doors, and says, "You must spend the rest of eternity in one of the rooms behind these doors. Look in each one and decide which one you want."

The man opens the first door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor, looking very uncomfortable. He opens the second door, and sees a bunch of people standing on their heads on a concrete floor, looking even more uncomfortable. Finally, he opens the third door, and sees a bunch of people standing around chatting and drinking coffee, up to their knees in poo.

"Hmmm," he says, "that looks bad, but it's better than the other two. I'll take the third door." Satan smiles and shows him in.

Ten minutes later Satan walks back into the room and says, "Alright, coffee break's over, everyone back on your heads!"
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

sswam
  • Locked
The Offensive Jokes Thread
2 3
Replies
44
Views
16K
Wally
Wally
P
You Know Your A Gp2x Fanboy When....
2
Replies
21
Views
3K
Goemon4
G
Azure
Need Some Help With My History Project...
Replies
3
Views
941
Hanz™
H
Fzero
MAC RAM performance
Replies
8
Views
1K
Cas
Cas
B
Shit Happens
Replies
4
Views
2K
Jarska333
J
Back
Top