Heres A Preview Of A Story I Am Entering In A Comp


sam fisher

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Heres a preview of a story I am entering in a compotition.

Lord Of The Hams
Chapter1: Meet The Hams.

Tails and Chaos were two young dwarf hamsters. Tails was a young ,male, Russian dwarf hamster and Chaos was his twin ,female, albino dwarf sister. They lived happily in 42 Matiko cage. They lived on the top floor of Matiko cage. Matiko cage was an apartment. It was very spacious. They had and on suite bath room and a kitchen. They lived with both their parents, Sonic who was their father and Amy who was their mother. They were not their real parents but their foster parents. Tails and chaos's real parents were explorers. They ventured out of their small town named Bedroom and down the treacherous mountains of stairs all the way to the distant land of The Lounge. No record of any land after that existed. Though their were legends of monsters. One day their real parents ventured farther than the land of Lounge. They made it back mortally wounded with Tails and Chaos when they were just babies. They told their friends Sonic and Amy how they had ventured into the land of Garden. They told them how there was food everywhere and then the were exploring one day when the evil lord Cat attacked them. The brave hams fought them off as best they could but alas they could only protect Tails and Chaos and not themselves. They died soon after returning home.

Chapter2: Not Such A Normal Day.

Tails and Chaos's grand father had just passed on and they had inherited a shiny gold sun flower seed that their real parents had found while exploring. It gave off a powerful aura and was over whelming. The twins were allowed almost anywhere in Bedroom except one place on the out skirts. A tall 3 story critter trail cage. It was dark and dreary and their were rumours that a monster lived there. The twins had inherited their parents explorative natures. They had always wanted to explore the crittertrail cage but had not been allowed. They had just turned 3 months old and had decided they could take on any monster that lived there. Tails loved sun flower seeds so He kept the lucky golden sunflower seed in his pouch at all times. The opened the door to the crittertrail cage and went in. They heard a groan coming from the third floor. They were brave little hamsters so the continued on through the smelly cage. On the second floor they found a water bottle full of dirty looking water. They went onto the third floor and their was a house. They heard another groan. They jumped back, a Syrian hamster so skinny that it looked like a dwarf hamster crawled out. It said something. "My precious," the strange hamster groaned. "What's your name?" asked chaos and tails.
"We is Gizmo," the strange hamster answered. It suddenly sniffed. "We can feels it. Yous has it!" The strange hamster screamed. It jumped onto tail and bit and clawed at his back. Tails was bleeding quite a lot so he threw Gizmo off the top of the platform. Gizmo plummeted to the floor of the cage. It was not dead as the saw dust cushioned its fall but it was unconscious . Tails was bleeding badly and needed to be taken back home so he wouldn't get and infection. The twins quickly tied up Gizmo with some rope they brought and pulled it back with them.
 
urm, yeah.

a number of spelling and punctuation errors that would need sorting prior to entering the compo.

obviously the main characters are harvested from sega games and this gizmo guy seems to have similarities to gollum, i'm guessing some form of ring worship inline with lord of the rings will be equated with regards to the seed.

good concept though, the idea of hamster's awarenesses of the outside world can be turned into something very good, with further input into the story i'm sure it'll do well in a contest
 
Geez - you seem to like hamsters :)
How many do you have? :)

BTW: Can become a nice story... but I'd change the characters names. Don't know if they're suited for a comp.
 
Some suggestions, if I may.

First of all, a "chapter" is not one or two paragraphs long normally. If you wish a scene change, use something like this:

Scene 1
--*--*--*--*--
Scene 2

If you must have a little anecdote at the top, put it in italics and one line between it and the starting paragraph. Alternatively, you could just start off the paragraph with something like "Meet the Hams." (your first chapter's title).

Tails and Chaos were two young dwarf hamsters. Tails was a young ,male, Russian dwarf hamster and Chaos was his twin ,female, albino dwarf sister. They lived happily in 42 Matiko cage.

First of all, using the term "dwarf" can confuse people. I know it can also refer to short people and things, but when I first read it, I got a picture in my mind of a hamster holding an axe with a horned helmet on his head. Your story quickly turns out to be in the Fantasy genre, which is why this image of dwavery came to me ;) You may consider using "minature" or "tiny".

Now, for the descriptions themselves. Given the information right here (there is no other information provided in the story so far), I get the mental picture of two totally white (albino) hamsters. I have no idea what a "Russian hamster" looks like, but now the male hamster has a slightly russian accent in my head.

They lived on the top floor of Matiko cage. Matiko cage was an apartment. It was very spacious. They had and on suite bath room and a kitchen. They lived with both their parents, Sonic who was their father and Amy who was their mother. They were not their real parents but their foster parents. Tails and chaos's real parents were explorers. They ventured out of their small town named Bedroom and down the treacherous mountains of stairs all the way to the distant land of The Lounge. No record of any land after that existed. Though their were legends of monsters. One day their real parents ventured farther than the land of Lounge.

This is extremely cute, the video game references aside. I really feel like I am in the mind of a hamster here, such bold imagery for things we take for granted as humans.

They made it back mortally wounded with Tails and Chaos when they were just babies. They told their friends Sonic and Amy how they had ventured into the land of Garden. They told them how there was food everywhere and then the were exploring one day when the evil lord Cat attacked them. The brave hams fought them off as best they could but alas they could only protect Tails and Chaos and not themselves. They died soon after returning home.

This is an extreme "downer". You made your audience laugh and smile with the last paragraph, then suddenly betrayed them to tears. It is too sharp a reversal. I'll talk more about this later, but for now I say to tone down the imagery. Give hope that their parents are NOT dead. Like this sentence, "The brave [hamsters] fought the evil Lord Cat as best they could, but, alas, they could only protect their Tails and Chaos and not themselves. 'Sonic' and 'Amy' found the twins on their doorstep the next day."

From that paragraph, you gather that twins' parents MIGHT be alive because they were probably the ones who placed the twins on that doorstep. Yet there is no mention of any note with the twins, or any mention of the parents at all. Doubt is a very important component of any good story, and especially for humor! The only book that should expel doubt instead of instigating it is a Non-Fiction work, and even then those usually gain a person more questions then answers ;)

Tails and Chaos's grand father had just passed on and they had inherited a shiny gold sun flower seed that their real parents had found while exploring. It gave off a powerful aura and was over whelming. The twins were allowed almost anywhere in Bedroom except one place on the out skirts. A tall 3 story critter trail cage. It was dark and dreary and their were rumours that a monster lived there. The twins had inherited their parents explorative natures. They had always wanted to explore the crittertrail cage but had not been allowed. They had just turned 3 months old and had decided they could take on any monster that lived there. Tails loved sun flower seeds so He kept the lucky golden sunflower seed in his pouch at all times. The opened the door to the crittertrail cage and went in. They heard a groan coming from the third floor. They were brave little hamsters so the continued on through the smelly cage. On the second floor they found a water bottle full of dirty looking water. They went onto the third floor and their was a house. They heard another groan.

I didn't really feel much when the old geezer passed away here, because I deemed it peaceful (even though no such information is given). Rest of it is good, and again it has an excellent use of fantastic imagery. Now onto the next part...

They jumped back, a Syrian hamster so skinny that it looked like a dwarf hamster crawled out. It said something. "My precious," the strange hamster groaned. "What's your name?" asked chaos and tails.
"We is Gizmo," the strange hamster answered. It suddenly sniffed. "We can feels it. Yous has it!" The strange hamster screamed.

First off, what the hell is a Syrian hamster? I understand that a hamster like this would come from Syria, but what the hell does one look like? I'm given no information other then that it's skinny, which brings me to the next point: "...so skinny that it looked like a dwarf hamster..." Have you actually seen a "little person" (aka midget)? They are usually not skinny through NO fault of their own. They are like an adult-sized body compacted into a child, making them look fat when they are only hefty.

It jumped onto tail and bit and clawed at his back. Tails was bleeding quite a lot so he threw Gizmo off the top of the platform. Gizmo plummeted to the floor of the cage. It was not dead as the saw dust cushioned its fall but it was unconscious . Tails was bleeding badly and needed to be taken back home so he wouldn't get and infection. The twins quickly tied up Gizmo with some rope they brought and pulled it back with them.

What the hell? Suddenly Tails and Chaos are Kung-Fu Fighters? Everything was daisies until Gizmo decided to make Tails BLEED. This is even a sharper reversal then before, by a 100x fold. It completely sickens whatever laugh your audience may have gotten out of the previous paragraphs, unless they have a bizarre sense of humour.

Well, we're at the end of the excert. First, I ask that you please remove all parodies. Now before you even think your emotions stemming from that last subject, think about my next sentence: I would never say that for a story which had nothing else going for it. Your story DOES have potentional, and I truly feel it can be made into an excellent piece. Besides grammar and spelling (what writer really cares about them? We have editors for that!), there are problems in the theme, continuity, and general taste of the story. Let me summarize:

- Remove all parodies
- Keep hamsters and "hamster imagery"
- Keep story (but without parodies)
- Greatly downtone violence OR make it darker (don't try for an inbetween)
- Use more details

Now while I give you the freedom to make your story darker (but not inbetween, for this story it just wouldn't work), I seriously think a lighter story would work FAR better here.

Above all, please take out of this assessment that I think your work has real potentional, and if you ignore everything else, at least listen to this phrase: Don't give up :)
 
Ok. Thanks

Thoses hamsters names are all hamster i have or have had with the exception of gizmo who is my friends. Russian dwarf hamsters are small hamsters that usually live together as they are social and will be friends with each other and live to explore.

Syrian hamsters are your normal fairly large hamster that lives alone and will not get one with other hamster.

An this compo is a hamster website where they know all that stuff.

Ok.

So now you under stand a bit more.
I now have 2 dwarf hamsters. my last syrian hamster passed away 1 month ago. But the two dwarfs are mail and female so we are awaiting large scale multiplication.

An albino hamster has no pigment. It is a russian dwaft but has reallllllllllllllllllllllly pink skin and really white fur which is fluffy like cotton wool *cough*Let myself go there*cough*
 
I was about to offer my comments, but ... a story about hamsters ... land of the Lounge...I just can't. Inventive writing but it feels too immature for me, especially with the Sonic character names. Depends on how old you are a guess.
 
heres an update

Lord Of The Hams

Chapter1: Meet The Hams.

Tails and Chaos were two young dwarf hamsters. Tails was a young ,male, Russian dwarf hamster and Chaos was his twin ,female, albino dwarf sister. They lived happily in 42 Matiko cage. They lived on the top floor of Matiko cage. Matiko cage was an apartment. It was very spacious. They had and on suite bath room and a kitchen. They lived with both their parents, Sonic who was their father and Amy who was their mother. They were not their real parents but their foster parents. Tails and chaos's real parents were explorers. They ventured out of their small town named Bedroom and down the treacherous mountains of stairs all the way to the distant land of The Lounge. No record of any land after that existed. Though their were legends of monsters. One day their real parents ventured farther than the land of Lounge. They made it back mortally wounded with Tails and Chaos when they were just babies. They told their friends Sonic and Amy how they had ventured into the land of Garden. They told them how there was food everywhere and then the were exploring one day when the evil lord Cat attacked them. The brave hams fought them off as best they could but alas they could only protect Tails and Chaos and not themselves. Sonic and Amy found Tails and Chaos on their doorstep one day. No one knows what happened to Tails and Chaos's parents but they choose to believe they are still alive some where.

Chapter2: Not Such A Normal Day.

Tails and Chaos's grand father had just passed on and they had inherited a shiny gold sun flower seed that their real parents had found while exploring. It gave off a powerful aura and was over whelming. The twins were allowed almost anywhere in Bedroom except one place on the out skirts. A tall 3 story critter trail cage. It was dark and dreary and their were rumours that a monster lived there. The twins had inherited their parents explorative natures. They had always wanted to explore the crittertrail cage but had not been allowed. They had just turned 3 months old and had decided they could take on any monster that lived there. Tails loved sun flower seeds so He kept the lucky golden sunflower seed in his pouch at all times. The opened the door to the crittertrail cage and went in. They heard a groan coming from the third floor. They were brave little hamsters so the continued on through the smelly cage. On the second floor they found a water bottle full of dirty looking water. They went onto the third floor and their was a house. They heard another groan. They jumped back, a Syrian hamster so skinny that it looked like a dwarf hamster crawled out. It said something. "My precious," the strange hamster groaned. "What's your name?" asked chaos and tails.
"We is Gizmo," the strange hamster answered. It suddenly sniffed. "We can feels it. Yous has it!" The strange hamster screamed. It jumped onto tails and bit and clawed at his back. Tails was bleeding quite a lot so chaos helped him throw Gizmo off the top of the platform. Gizmo plummeted to the floor of the cage. It was not dead as the saw dust cushioned its fall but it was unconscious . Tails was bleeding badly and needed to be taken back home so he wouldn't get and infection. The twins quickly tied up Gizmo with some rope they brought and pulled it back with them.

Once the twins got home with Gizmo their parents were angry at them for disobeying the rules. However they locked Gizmo, still tied up, in the bedroom of their apartment and treated tails wound. It was not as bad as it seemed and tails was a strong hamster. Tails and Chaos wondered why Gizmo had attacked just Tails and not Chaos. They guessed it must of just been a random attack. Sonic then phoned the police and they said they would come right over. When the two police hamsters arrived they checked Gizmo on their records and found that she was an old golden long haired hamster. She vanished 3 years ago and now she would be six. They wondered how she could of lived so long but it was defineatly her. They took her away to the police station. The twins were told never to go off on their own again but they wanted to explore and find their parents.

Chapter3: The return of a traveller

That night a strange old traveller returned to the town of Bedroom. He was an old Chinese dwarf hamster with grey coloured fur. A guard at the gates went over to him and called him Ganham The White. He then progressed to the small cage next to where the twins grand father lived. The next day Tails and Chaos were Out exploring and they noticed that there were lights on in the grand father's neibour's house. They went over to the door and out came the grey hamster. Ganham told Tails and Chaos that he was a friend of their grand fathers and asked " Did he give you the golden sunflower seed?".
"Yes," Tails answered taking it out of his pouch.
"Give it to me" Ganham demanded.
"Why?" Tails asked Ganham.
"It must be destroyed!" Ganham once again shouted.
Tails gave it to him. Then there was a groan. "No doubt Gizmo has been causing trouble," Ganham murmured under his breath. He then took it into his house and Tails and Chaos followed.
 
sam fisher posted on Jul 23 2004 at 08:35 AM said:
Later in it will have bloody battles between hamsters mice and gerbals :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
If there's pillaging, I'll read it. I've been waiting for a book with some good haster raping.
 
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