(Bad)Joke Appreciation Corner

A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre.
And the bartender gives it to her.

A painter was murdered while working on his latest painting.
The police still can't see the full picture.

What weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

Why is Christmas like a job?
You do all the work and a fat man in a suit gets the credit.

Q: What is a kilometer?
A: It's a device for measuring thousands, like a voltmeter is a device for measuring potential differences, and an odometer is a device for measuring odos.

Q: Why are some Americans 'people of size'?
A: Because when they cook from a recipe book, they interpret the cup to mean a brassière cup, rather than a brasserie cup.

Q: Why was the Bavarian accompanied by singing wherever he went?
A: Because he was wearing his liederhosen.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I'm not feeling myself.
Doctor: Stop it! That tickles!

A patient enters the doctor's office, and the doctor sees what looks like a large frog sitting on the person's head. The doctor enquires, "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well, it all started as a boil on my bum.", says the amphibian.

Q: Why don't you visit a nice traditional German health resort? It'll do wonders for your well-being.
A: Oh, I've looked at them, but they're all Bad!

The last one got me XD

@TeDaDeS I feel dumb, what's the joke in the skilometer post?
or in Denglish: I'm standing on the leadership

kuru said:

The last one got me XD

@TeDaDeS I feel dumb, what's the joke in the skilometer post?
or in Denglish: I'm standing on the leadership

Click to expand...

It's a baaaad joke.

American distance units: miles
European distance units: kilometres.

However, the UK still measures road distances in miles.

So the joke is based on an American assuming that the UK uses European road-distance measures - so instead of smiles, it's skilometres*. The illustration is of someone looking 'odd' with (in American terms) Very Bad Teeth - which is a meme in America, that all British people have bad teeth.

The 'skilometer' thing is also a meme. Perhaps it is being ironic, and the joker knows that the UK still uses miles, and it is an 'in' joke.

The spelling is also part of the in joke, as Americans spell kilometres as kilometers - the British, if they used them, would spell them the European way as kilometres.

So lots to unpack. And definitely qualifies as a bad joke.

Ob bad joke.

Q: Why did the the engineering chicken cross the road.
A: Because it wanted a vector answer.

A computer science teacher asks the class to turn to page 404.
The students search feverishly, to no avail.

What happens when a meteorologist gets angry?
They storm out.

Confuzzled said:

So the joke is based on an American assuming that the UK uses European road-distance measures - so instead of smiles, it's skilometres*. The illustration is of someone looking 'odd' with (in American terms) Very Bad Teeth - which is a meme in America, that all British people have bad teeth.

Click to expand...

Thanks for that, I didn't get it either.

Confuzzled said:

The spelling is also part of the in joke, as Americans spell kilometres as kilometers - the British, if they used them, would spell them the European way as kilometres.

Click to expand...

Actually, it was the spelling that prevented me from understanding it, as I couldn't see the reference to kilometre. I saw it as a device that measures skilos.

An electrical engineer and his beloved had been going steady for quite some time, so thoughts of marriage were beginning to skittishly wander through their minds. Eventually, one day, the engineer said they should make sure they were really compatible, and would it be OK if they tried something different that evening. His partner raised an eyebrow, and wondered what this would involve. "I'll bring some gel and cables.", said the engineer as he left the lunch-room, "I'll see you this evening. I'll bring a take-away"

Evening came, and he knocked at his partner's door.Upon opening it, his partner saw him carrying a small box and a take-away from their favourite restaurant. After a nice meal, the engineer said, "Right, I'll need you to take your clothes off so I can apply the gel in the appropriate places." His partner was a bit surprised as this more direct approach than normal, but wanting to see how things would turn out, off the clothes came. The engineer then stripped as well, and started applying dabs of gel in spots all over his partner's body, and his own. At each spot he applied an EEG test patch. When he had finished, his partner was feeling pretty silly, and wondered what kind of fetish this was. It seemed harmless, so far. The engineer then took out a pair of conductive wrist bands, connected by a cable, put one around his partner's right ankle, and the other around his own right ankle. He then pulled out a volt-meter from the box.

At this point, his partner lost patience and asked him what on earth he was doing.

"Oh!", said the engineer, "I thought it was obvious. I want to check if we are compatible, so..."

"I'm going to check if we have any potential differences."

Binky said:

Did you know that 87% of statistics are made up?

Click to expand...

The other 13% don't use cosmetics.

rygD said:

A guy walked into a bar. It hurt.

Click to expand...

A guy walked into a bar.
"Oh!", said the bartender, "I didn't realise November 5th was so near."

Q: Why did the tennis player get wet?
A: Because he tried to serve the tea!

What comes before tennis?
Nine-is.

Why do pirates like rum so much?
Because it starts with an Arrr.

More tennis themed jokes?

What do you serve but don't eat?
A tennis ball.

Why was the tennis court so loud?
Because all the players raised a racket.

Who thinks all the Christmas songs are about her?
Carol.

What kind of jacket makes you hot?
A blazer.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.