New Health and Safety Regulations for the UK - just in time for Christmas!


Well-Known Member
Mar 8, 2008
Yes, yes, I know. This one's been doing the rounds for a little while. It's still funny, though. :p

(For those outside of the UK who might be unfamiliar with this, we are weighed down with lots of unnecessary "Health and Safety" laws that all too often go against common sense. This is a humourous send-up of that, that is sadly not too far from the truth. :p )





"While shepherds watched their flocks by night

All seated on the ground,

The Angel of the Lord came down,

And Glory shone around."

The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches Health and Safety Regulations to insist the shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided. Therefore, benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs must be available. Shepherds have also requested that, due to inclement weather they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras behind centrally heated shepherd observation huts. The Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his/her Glory all around, the shepherds must be issued with glasses capable of filtering out any harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory lighting.



"Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road,

Got to keep on plodding onwards, with your precious load."

The RSPCA has issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry. Also in the guidelines are permitted feeding breaks, and at least one rest break in a four-hour plodding period. Due to the risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary & Joseph are required to wear facemasks. The Little Donkey has expressed his discomfort as being labelled Little and would prefer to being simply referred to as Mr Donkey. Comments upon his height or otherwise are considered to be a breach of his equine rights.



"We three Kings of Orient are,

Bearing gifts we traverse afar,

Field and fountain,

Moor and Mountain,

Following yonder star."

Whilst the gift of Gold is still considered acceptable – as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations such as Cash4Gold etc, gifts of Frankincense and Myrrh are not appropriate due to the risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. An acceptable alternative might be a gift voucher. It is not recommended that traversing Kings should rely on star navigation, and would advise the use of AA Routefinder or Sat Nav. Both can provide the quickest route and advise on fuel consumption. As in the case of Mr Donkey, the three camels require regular rest and food breaks and facemasks for the three Kings are obligatory due to the likelihood of desert dust disturbed by the camel hooves.



"Little Jesus sweetly sleep, do not stir,

We will lend a coat of fur,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,

We will rock you, rock you, rock you,"

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants due to the risk of allergy and for ethical reasons. Therefore, false fur, a cellular blanket or, perhaps, micro-fleece material should be considered alternatives. Please note that, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records (CRB) bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock Baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before any rocking commences.



"Dashing through the snow on a one-horse open sleigh,

Over fields we go – laughing all the way."

A Risk Assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to ride. The Risk Assessment should also consider whether the use of only one horse is appropriate – particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Permission from landowners must be gained before entering any Open Fields. To avoid offending those not participating in the venture, it is required that only moderate laughter is used and not at a noise level likely to be of nuisance to others.



"Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose,

And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows,

All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names,

They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games."

You are advised that, under the Equal Opportunities Policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment upon the ruddiness of Mr R Reindeer. Name-calling contravenes our Anti-Bullying policy, and further to this, the exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from any reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against anyone found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented, leading to imposing sanctions such as a ban from hanging up stockings or enjoying Christmas dinner.



"Away in a manger – no crib for a bed..."

Refer to Social Services immediately!
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Where I work, christmas decorations are considered a fire hazard and also are banned under infection control guidelines. We did have a tree a few years ago, but it got destroyed by a Jehova's Witness patient that had senile dementia - she used to spit at it as she walked past.

Christmas is a riot in our place, I can tell you.