I could use some nice words

My girl friend died 10 years ago during an astmatic incident. Some times after her dead I dreamed about being with her and we walked to a party. Than I woke up and was so incredible sad. It happened again and again and I started to try to wake up during a dream where I encounter her. It worked and now I think I am able to know when I am dreaming. My mother died two month ago from brain cancer. I took care of her for 3.5 years, it started with metastasis in the bones from breast cancer 12 years ago. At least the end was very fast.

Now I am dreaming of her. The first time I was so happy she was alive. Than I woke up. Now I am able to tell that I am dreaming. We used to drive around alot, I never made a driver license, so she drove me around. We sat in the car and talked like we always did. Than I noticed it was a dream. I did not wake up but could decide to stay in it and talk to her. I was so happy it lasted a bit but than I woke up.

Since last Christmas I had an accident and have a numbness on the right side of my body. I had an almost fatal accident when I was 23 and suffered bleeding in my head which made me dumber. It is still enough for getting a university degree and doing some research. But my little brother was so scared and I am so sorry for him. I have trouble breathing due to a chronic lung disease and woke up several times at night. Like my mother when the cancer proceeded. I stayed with her to the very end, slept next to her in the hospital and I still can't visit her grave. I think I need medical and psychological help and maybe just need someone to tell me to get help. I don't know why I am writing this in the Pyra-Boards but the Pyra community was always helpful and kind.
How are you doing today?
Thank you for asking. I got a neural problem like very heavy arms and legs, lost of sights and the ability to speak for a few minutes and temporaly less feeling / temperature sensivity in my hands. At first a doctor thought it might be multiple sclerosis, which was a shock for me (never google a diagnosis code with a question mark behind it!). Now it is very likely one or two vertebrae in my spine are pressing on nerves. which would explain the temporarily nature of most of the problems and why heat helps. Kind of scary. But fuck it, I was hiking for weeks 5 in Canada, and was still dexterious enough to sneak around the eating black bear in the forest.
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