Give Me Your Best Joke / Funny Shit


Alright this is a true story. About 12 years ago I went on a Cruise with my Family. During the cruise they routinely stop at different ports and allow you to get off the boat for a few hours. We had stopped at st. thomas or one of them and while we were on the beach my mother had lost the key cards to our doors in the sand.

So no biggie, we decide to goto the front desk on the boat and ask for new key cards, this is what followed:

My mom: Hi, yes, I lost my keys in the sand and I need new ones.

Front desk lady: ...where are your *keys*?

My mom: I have no idea, it's out on the beach somewhere and they are probably buried under the sand.

Front Desk lady: ...So are you going to go back out and find them?

My mom: No. I don't know where my keys are. I told you, my keys are buried in the sand outside and I couldn't find them. I need new keys.

Front Desk Lady: ...But why did you leave them in the sand?

My mom: I don't know! I wasn't paying attention, what does that matter anymore, I lost my keys in the sand and I need new keys!

Front Desk Lady: ...Well we should probably try to find your *keys* in the sand.

My mom: What's the matter with you!? I lost my keys in the sand and I want you to give me new keys!

Front Desk Lady: Hold one moment please. <gets supervisor and informs them of the situation and the supervisor comes running back>

Supervisor: I am terribly sorry ma'am, but we need to find your *kids*

My Mom: :::
:::


(So the whole time the "Front Desk Lady" thought my mom was demanding more KIDS because she had lost hers in the sand and they are gone now. It was hilarious conversation to be involved with)

Hehe, you know. It probably won't translate into a comic that well, but it's still a great story. I think its better when you say it out loud though.
 
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I was at my friends house browsing the internet on the Wii when my other friend punched me in the testicles as hard as he possibly could. Then he left me to weep on the floor for twenty minutes.

The End.
 
'Falcon Delta' said:
my other friend punched me in the testicles as hard as he possibly could

I do not think that word means what you think it means.

Edit: I guess if I'm posting I may as well give you a joke...

A man walked into a pub and approached the landlord. "A nip of your finest 25 year old scotch my good man, and make it snappy!" he demanded. The landlord was somewhat taken aback at the customer's insistant tone, and decided that the basic 3 year old rotgut would be good enough for him. He poured a measure and placed it on the bar with an accommodating smile. The man downed the amber liquid in one, and proceeded to cough and splutter in obvious discomfort. "This is terrible!" he exclaimed "that's 3 year old rotgut, I asked for your finest 25 year old scotch, now get to it!".

"Ever so sorry guvnor, just be a sec" said the landlord, somewhat perturbed at being found out, and reached below the bar for a slightly better quality bottle of 7 year old scotch. While it wasn't exactly the finest whisky it was surely good enough for this cretin, he placed the glass on the bar. The man looked at the drink dubiously for a moment, and then knocked it back in one, just like the first. His face contorted but this time he managed to force it down with some effort. "What is the meaning of this! I asked for your finest 25 year old scotch, not this 7 year old rubbish! Now get me what I asked for!" the man ordered.

"My mistake sir" said the landlord, "I must 'ave gotten me bottles mixed up", and he went through to the back room to fetch a bottle of pretty good 15 year old single malt he reserved for his better customers. Again the glass was poured and set on the bar, the man snatched it up and downed it in one. He visibly shuddered as the liquid rolled around his mouth. "Are you some kind or imbecile? This is only 15 years old, although the quality is a little better than most of the paint thinner you seem to serve in here. This is your last chance, fetch me a nip of your finest 25 year old scotch, and get it right this time!" demanded the man, banging his fist on the bar in anger.

"Of course sir" replied the landlord, obviously humbled by the customer's knowledge of the drink and his sensitive palette, and he headed downstairs to the cellar where he kept a bottle of finest 25 year old scotch that had been set aside for a special occasion. On returning he once again poured a glass and set it upon the bar. The man downed it one as before, his eyes rolled back in their sockets and after a few seconds he let out a sigh. "That's better, finally I get what I asked for."

This whole incindent had been witnessed by the other customers. One wizened old man approached the whisky connoisseur and said: "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your remarkable talent. It's an honour to be in the presence of one with such refined taste in spirits. Would you please permit me to offer you a drink?". The connoisseur gave the old man a brief condescending glance before grunting his acceptance and taking the glass he was offered. He emptied the glass as he had done before. Almost at once his eyes widened and he spat the drink all over the bar, doubled over and started wretching. "Oh my god, that's piss" he said in a small voice after some time. "Yes" said the old man with a devilish grin, "now tell me how old I am."
Click to expand...
 
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I remember back in my school days (a while ago now) it was snowing pretty heavily one day, and during a break a guy from our class proceeded to use one of the toilet cubicles to answer the secondary call of nature. According to the rules of the playground this is something that you just don't do.

He was in there for quite some time, so i remember watching as about 10 guys quickly rolled a gigantic snowball in the playground, then they all lifted it up onto their shoulders, carried into the toilets and heaved it over the cubicle wall. Judging by the scream followed by extremely angry shouting and swearing coming from the cubicle he was none too pleased about being flattened by a massive snowball either! :lol:
 
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'Gruntfuggly' said:
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.
Click to expand...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

(lol)

jeff
 
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Hmmm.


I have funny shit happen to me all the time. I think the best story I got is.....

Back in college, I was on the football team, and actually lived in the dorms with 3 other football players. As you can guess we got really roudy, and we drank alot. When I say alot, I mean, ALOT! Especially in our Suite. We always did shots of different alcohol, and when we finished the bottle, we would put it on top of one of the dressers or desks or something.

About halfway into our semester, and football season, we had all the desks, dressers, and tables FILLED with empty alcohol bottles.

We also drank beer, and two smoked, so we had beer bottles with butts in them all over the floors as well, so bad that you had to tiptoe through it to get to our beds.

Anyway.....after one of those nights of drinking, I was passed out, and so was one of my roomates, we get a LOUD KNOCK on the door. I woke up half out of it, and answered the door, and its the Floor Monitor, and some building inspector, and he's there to do a room check, and INSPECTION!

Needless to say, this is a very tightly run Catholic School, so we could get suspended or kicked out for this. Plus I'm still half out of it, but I have to let them in, or we would get in trouble.

They start inspecting the room, and making little checks on a clipboard, and I'm like shitting my pants, as they are stepping around the bottles on the floor, and checking electrical wires, and outlets, they check the windows, and then they left.

They didn't say a word about any of the bottles on the floor, or anywhere else.

All we got was a warning about one of the extension cords, and that a screen was missing out of one of the windows.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


DSR
 
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Some years ago I was at a party when one of my friends turned up with a bag of beer and a dashboard. He had a cheerful disposition and a, um, relaxed view of property rights. As he had been walking along the road just outside he had noticed a particularly fine stereo had been installed in a particularly dilapidated van, and decided that this would be the ideal thing to provide music for us all. He'd smashed the window, reached in and pulled.... hard. It seems the owner had secured the stereo particularly well and the entire dashboard had come away in his hands. Any normal person would have given up at this point, but instead he ran down the road with the dashboard (and his beer).

This kind of freaked me out, particularly as the police station was just on the other side of the street and I was the only person at the party with (some particularly fine) illegal drugs. I upped and left as soon as I realised what was going on, sure that the boys in blue would arrive any second. The following day I returned to find that the police had not in fact turned up, and even better that I had spilled enough weed the previous night to roll a joint from what was on the carpet. Happy days!

Disclaimer: Stealing stuff is bad, beer is bad etc. It was funny though :)
 
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ahahah we used to do similar stuff when we would do forest parties...
Good times.
I remember when i went to Canadian Tire ( utility store ) a fetched a BBQ from the outside fenced area with a couple of people.
We Ate some fine meat that night ( drank and smoked some fine stuff too! ).
At the end of the night we just put the BBQ back to its place ... with a five dollar bill inside of it with a message :

"This is For the used propane ... THANK YOU!
-Party people"
 
Well my friend was telling me that someone kept eating his lunch out of the fridge from work. So he crushed up some birth pills (which contain female hormones, apparently) and put it in his sandwich everyday. Then, a year later, beat the shit out of the guy who grew tits.
I'm about 90% sure he's bullshitting me on this story, but it's funny nonetheless.
 
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'PlopperZ' said:
Well my friend was telling me that someone kept eating his lunch out of the fridge from work. So he crushed up some birth pills (which contain female hormones, apparently) and put it in his sandwich everyday. Then, a year later, beat the shit out of the guy who grew tits.
I'm about 90% sure he's bullshitting me on this story, but it's funny nonetheless.
Click to expand...
Haha! :lol:
 
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'Klepto' said:
"Oh my god, that's piss" he said in a small voice after some time. "Yes" said the old man with a devilish grin, "now tell me how old I am."
Click to expand...
what a waste of a great build up
 
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Ok, I'll bite... some friends and I ingested some fungus one night, well it was all of us except this one guy there. After about half an hour we decided it was a good idea to start a fire and jump on the trampoline, luckily nobody actually wound up in the fire, but most of us did get just beaten by the trampoline. After a bit of goofing off we decided it was time to sit by the fire and bullshit, the main conversation wound up consisting of two topic... underwear and fire. The underwear conversation was quite intriguing, as it led to the discovery that "Under Where? Under Pants!". At this point the only person who didn't get it was, obviously, the only person who had only ingested alcohol. This pissed him off to no extent because he couldn't tell if we were laughing at him, or the topic at hand, but after a little while he settled down and the conversation picked up again. At this point the fire was starting to die down, so somebody threw another couple palettes on it when one of the people started asking "Where does the fire go when it goes out?", this led to an interesting discussion once again that was finally decided by somebody's suggestion that it goes out to the bar, just like everyone else. This led to another long lasting round of on the verge of pissing your pants laughing, still with that one guy not getting it. After awhile he started yelling at us and telling us how stupid we were and how we would be embarrassed if we could see how we were acting, to which everyone started laughing at him and making small puns at his cluelessness. I wound up being the straw that broke the camels back by looking at him and asking him if he was really so retarded that he didn't get that we were joking around and having fun. At this point in time he muttered something unintelligible at me, so I looked at him and said "Excuse you, devil looking thwartened hommelstein" (I probably spelt and said it all wrong, but it's from coach bigot, search for it and watch it). This apparently pissed him off and made everyone laugh their asses off, in fact a few people fell out of their chairs. He looked at me and asked me what I said, so I repeated myself. There was alot of yelling and getting out of chairs as everyone all zoomed out tried to calm him down and make him sit back down. Eventually he did, but once he finally did, he muttered some bullshit at me again (can't believe he always muttered bullshit like that at me instead of just talking normal, must've had balls in his mouth, uptight bastard) then proceeded to throw a lighter in the fire as close to me as possible. Another person on zooms thought that was a funny idea and proceeded to throw his lighter in too (which I didn't notice), but somebody noticed and convinced me to move my chair back a foot or two from the fire just incase. I finally managed to get my chair moved back and sat down then the first lighter went off, and seeing as I didn't notice the second lighter I stood up to move my chair back closer to the fire. On my way back (fungi and I don't seem to handle gravity very well together) the other lighter exploded, bigger than the first and threw a giant coal into my pocket, so here I am red hot coal in the pocket, staggering this way and that with my one hand holding my pants (which were excessively baggy thankfully), and the other in my pocket trying to grab the coal (idiot I am). After burning myself and laughing about it, I gave up on grabbing the coal and decided to just hope it would burn through the pocket and fall out of my pants. I was stumbling around shaking my pants around, hoping for the best when finally the coal fell out of my pant leg and I returned to the chair, exhausted from all of that I plopped down in the chair and caused it to fall backwards. At this point in time, I decided I didn't care anymore and proceeded to crawl around on the ground dragging the chair around in a circle so it was still tilted, but facing the fire. I sat down had a smoke while laughing and the guy who was mad at me yelled "Why are you still laughing" and finally decided to go inside and leave us "idiots" alone. I don't think I'll miss Mr. has-no-sense-of-humor...

P.S. sorry for the wall of text...
 
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Where do people get all these names for mushrooms? I cringe every time I go on shroomery and hear someone call them 'goomers' (not related to goombas like i originally though, but a take off of 'boomers')
 
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What? I learn nothing!

I thought the moral of the story was that sober people can be both intolerant and ignorant...

On that note, from now on I'm calling Shrooms Goombas!
 
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lol, hooka's isn't bad. I got one tho.

*Ahem*

So a while back I was at a baseball game at Fenway Park (in Boston for those who don't know).
The crowd there is notoriously rough, but I was about to find out just how rough.
"HOT DOGS, GETCHA HOG DOGS HEAR" A concessions man is doing his 'rounds' & probably reflecting on what went wrong in his life.
As he passes down the stairs by my row he slips on some discarded trash, sending him and his insatiable income tumbling.
Hot dogs & popcorn go everywhere, leaving this poor SOB covered in more meat than most men would find comfortable.
He sighs, brushes himself off & proceeds to tend to what's left of his delicious dividends.
It is then that the raucous cry of a man with a heavy Boston accent rings out from behind me.
"HEY LOOSA....LOOSA", He hoots without shame.
"LOOSA.... HEY LOOSA!!", He continues as he receives no acknowledgement from the fallen snack-hawker, no doubt long past his first beer.
"LOOSA, HEY LOOSA... YAH YOU!", He finally catches the attention of the man on the ground, who looks up with a most disconcerted expression.
In a droll and sadistic way he lets out the ever-so important comment he's been building up to:
"HEY LOOSA!! YA DROP YA WEINA?"
He proceeds to laugh, deeply satisfied that he's 'made a funny'.
The clearly miffed provision peddler holds his tongue with the will of a thousand John Henry' as he turns to continue his faceless trek serving the 'Great American Pass-time'.


....Don't get me wrong, I laughed my ass off after he turned around, lol.

This is a much better story if you actually know what a heavy Boston accent sounds like =P
 
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