Funny Links And Jokes


Q: What's the best thing about having sex with children?
A: Their tiny hands make your cock look big!

Q: What's the worse thing about having sex with children?
A: Getting blood on your clown costume!
 
A bit of London slang for you guys... so if your in Londoin your know what we're on about ;)


Budgie's tongue - Descriptive of the female erectile bit.

Blue veined hooligan - A six-inch tall, one eyed skin-head.

Chuff muncher - A woman in comfortable shoes.

Cliterature - One handed reading matter.

Cough your filthy yoghurt - A romantic expression for ejaculation.

Drown some kittens - To pass a litter of small turds.

Excalibur - A magic turd of legendary proportions that rises eerily out of the water of a mist shrouded toilet.

Feeding the pony - One handed groping of a lady's toothless gibbon.

Five pinter - An ugly bird who you'd only chat up after 5 pints.

Fizzy gravy - Rusty water, diarrhoea.

Free the tadpoles - To have a tug.

Genie rub - To buff up a skin lantern until you are granted three sticky wishes.

Greyhound - A very short skirt (ie "one inch from the hare") Haddock pastie Beef curtains.
Hand-to-gland combat - A three minute one man bout of gladiatorial combat involving a spam javelin.

Ham-on-ham - The delightful sight of two young ladies going at it hammer and tongues.

Harbour-master - One who has piloted a few tugboats in his time.

Jelly jewellery -The earrings, nose-studs, fancy spectacle and other facial adornments a woman sometimes receives when her partner had intended to give her a pearl necklace.

Left handed batsman - Someone who prefers his balls delivered from the pavilion end.
Left-handed website - An Internet website which causes visitors to use their mouse with the Left hand.

Loose-lips - Affectionate term for a woman has has been cocked more times than Davy Crockett's rifle.

Mexican lipstick - The embarrassing facial tide marks found after eating out with a lady who is up on blocks.

Night watchman - A turd that has failed to flush away, not discovered until the next morning.
Pace car The slow - un-aerodynamic leading turd that once out of the way, allows the fast, souped up bastards behind it to put their foot down.

Pensioners leg -A thin, knobbly, veiny penis.

Pie-liner - A Femidom.

Release the chocolate hostage - To Liberate a "Richard the Third" after his imprisonment in your back porch.

Sixty-eight -Oral sex given on the understanding that the favour will be returned ("Ere, give us a sixty eight, and I'll owe you one").

Split the beard - Part the whiskers, shag a bird. Starfish trooper An "arsetronaught". Thick repeater A large-bore semi-automatic, single barrel mutton musket

Treading water - Light strumming on the banjo in order to keep ones interest up during the dull plot bits in a grumbleflick.

Thunberbird - A fat woman.

Tubby chaser - A man who thinks thunderbirds are go.

Turkey - The cracker you think you have pulled at the office Christmas party, who turns out to be a tough old bird who only gets stuffed once a year.

Up on blocks - A woman with a monthly MOT failure due to a recurring leak under the beetle bonnet. Having a period (menstruating). i.e. Out of action, a bit like a car in a garage. e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is up on blocks".


Wizard's sleeve - A particularly capacious sausage wallet. As in "I can't feel a thing in here, you must have a fanny like a wizard's sleeve."

Wobbly landing - Trying when drunk to manoeuvre your underinflated zipper zeppelin into your bird's hairy hanger.

Beer scooter - the ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it.... i.e : "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter". One in the departure lounge The need to defecate imminently.

Aeroplane blond -one who has dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'! Aeroplane skirt a skirt with a very long slit up it that goes all the way up to the 'cockpit'.

Badly packed kebab - a vulgar (but still excellent) term for the 'vagina'.

Britney Spears - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'beers'.... e.g : "Give us a couple of Britney's will ya Doreen".

Bruce Lee's - erect nipples (as in a pair of hard 'nips').

Bum Gravy - This one speaks for itself ! You may get this after a dodgy curry.

Bunny boiler - an unhinged and overly possessive woman. From the rabbit boiling scene in the film "Fatal Attraction". e.g. "I don't like the look of her mate, could be a bunny boiler".
Council gritter - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'shitter'. eg : "Does she take it up the council ?".

Donald Trump - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'dump' (defecate). e.g. "I'm just nipping out for a Donald".

Drink-link -a modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze !

Furry monkey - slang term for vagina. As used by Daisy Donovan on Channel 4's Eleven O'Clock Show.

Jackson Pollock(s) - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'bollocks' (testicles).e.g."He needs a good kick in the Jackson's".

Johnny-no-stars - a young man of substandard intelligence, i.e. the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' bit comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear which show their level of training.

Salad dodger - an excellent phrase for an overweight person.

Swamp donkey - an unattractive woman. e.g. "Blimey, have you seen those swamp donkeys sitting in the corner !". Tart fuel similar to 'bitch piss', bottled alcopop's regularly drank by young women.

Turkish bath - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'laugh'. e.g. "You're 'avin a Turkish mate !".

Wallace and Gromit - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.

Wyatt Earp - Modern Rhyming Slang for 'burp'.



Me and my mates actually do use quite a few of these in converstaion.
 
mattmagoo posted on Sep 18 2004 at 01:19 PM said:
I think should Posting and you should be the rules.
My joke:
There was a married couple who had a baby,
The Mother didn't trust the Father so she said "if you don't do what the baby says When I'm out I'll divorce you."
And so she went out.
The Father went into the bathroom to have a shower and the baby came in and said "can I come in" and he said no, The baby replied with "I'll tell mummy" so he let the baby in.
While he was showering the baby noticed something between his legs and said "whats that", The Father replied with "my action" man and went to bed.
The baby came in to the fathers bedroom later and ask "can I come in." And the father replied "no", so the baby said "I'll tell mummy" so the Father let him in.
In the morning The father Woke up and was being wheeled into hospital on a stretcher and asked the baby what happened, And the baby replied "your action man spat at me so I bit its head off" :lol:
 
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Hahaha :lol: , check this out. apologies for the lenght of the picture. :(

signs1.jpg


p.s 1000th post!!
 
bringoutthegimp posted on Sep 25 2004 at 10:37 PM said:
those pics suck (not ernest's)


finty101 posted on Sep 25 2004 at 10:59 PM said:
For once I think BOTG isn't talking shit.


yeah ur bot right. :)

im a retard. but i still think the google pic is funny, especially when i just yelled it out at my friends party. :p
 
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