Been very stupid guys & would appreciate if folk would hear me out

[Garrett]

I volunteer in a charity shop on Saturdays & for the last 4 months we've had a couple of 15yr old Duke Of Edinburgh award helpers there, I get on very well with both but this evening accepted a Facebook friend request from the girl (dumb to begin with) & then replied and made a very stupid joke about making her father feel guilty.. got a reply from the Dad saying he's not happy about a bachelor of a certain age contacting his daughter 'in private' & suggesting that she manipulates him and to 'watch this space'

I know my actions were stupid beyond belief.. even more so after speaking to my Sister this evening who believes the girl has a crush on me after having visited the shop today, I had absolutely no idea of this & as far as I'm concerned I behave exactly the same around her as I do with everyone else there.

I'm now terrified of the fallout that may occur.. I'm certain I've conducted myself properly around her & we have never been alone for extended periods with others always in the shop.

I've spoken to a few others there & they all believe/trust me, but I'm still very uneasy about the situation. I'd be very surprised if the young lady is back next weekend (& relieved if she isn't)

I'd greatly appreciate your thoughts.

 

[elw3]

Trust someone who made it all wrong and still regrets it years after: 

Speak with her about it, private and face to face. 

 

[FBnil]

Dude, we learn from our mistakes. Life lessons ain't cheap. But it could be worse. No one died.

It was not a public post, so yeah. Either PM with a funny sorry image, and some text. (keep it light, I guess) And a link to this thread too...

If you see her again, give her a present for her dad. A postcard with sorry, and some text. He'll get it. He was young once too.

ps: You got her in trouble with her dad. And you know the family unit is the most important thing to preserve harmonious. She'll probably evade you like the plague. Don't take that personal.

 

[Nintendo]

WTF is the problem here? From what I've read, there's no problem whatsoever??


Just leave it. Dad is insecure. You haven't done anything wrong. When you see her next...just pretend nothing happened.

 

[FaeMinx]

Forget about what might happen. That is beyond your control.


1. Forget about the notion 'reality is what you can get away with'. This is actually a self-defeating attitude towards life. Trust me, from decades of experience. So drop the need to convince others 'you are a good guy', and instead put yourself under a brutal and harsh microscope. There is no need to share anything you uncover about yourself, unless by doing so, you would free both yourself and others from damaging assumptions.


How were you feeling about the girl before this happened?


Are you honest about your motives when you messaged her?


If the father had never found out, how would you have continued?


If you were in the father's position, how would you have felt towards someone behaving as you were?


In an ideal world, how would the three of you resolve this?


In a world were everyone is wrapped up in their own opinions and are unwilling or incapable to see your side, how would you remove yourself from the drama with as little confrontation as possible?


If you had to live through the experience again, how would you do it differently? Why? Imagine all the ways your new approach could backfire...


Is there a place of honesty to yourself you can reach, so that being in that state, it no longer matters how anyone reacts to you?


2. Have compassion for yourself. As has been said, these lessons are life's greatest gift. They have the power to liberate you from dependance and illusion, and if embraced with a humble, accepting, and positive attitude... Will eventually make you immune to the drama, and all the nasty things that can happen in the shadows.


3. The girl and her father have their own issues, so if you reach that place of honesty to yourself, (and thus can feel at peace)... And they are not responsive, I.e. they hold onto the issue, even though you've moved past it, forgive them and have compassion... allow them their right to hold onto their version of reality and don't take it personally.


4. If you still feel uneasy at this point, stomach is a little tight, thoughts are defensive and a bit on edge... You still need to dig deeper.


P.s. digging sucks. It's painfull, ugly, and dirty... But when you get to the bottom and finally hit clear waters... The feeling is indescribable, and you will never be the same. Worth every moment of pain to get there.


P.p.s with this in mind, it is wise not to try bury things... Nothing ever dies, it just changes form... So if you've shoved something unpleasant into some dark little corner and forgotten about it (hoping that everyone else will too), it will continue to grow and claw It's way back to the surface. And it will surface, trust me. And when it does, it will be uglier and bigger and more horrific than the last time you saw it... And it will surface unexpectedly in places you never anticipated (because you were turning a blind eye).


This is the stuff of nightmares.

 

[rygD]

I have yet to read the post by FaeMinx, so this may have already been said.  A few things come to mind.  I am frequently told that things I do or say may not seem appropriate or acceptable by others, yet to me they seem unimportant with no malice intended (usually I am just being silly or trying to have fun).  I guess some of us, even if we try to be aware of the perception of things by others, miss how others see things.  This is also true when people are flirting and such.  I am frequently told that others are making advances and that it may seem that I am misleading those people by my responses.  Usually these consist of trying to be polite to  avoid offending due to the stuff I mentioned a minute ago.  I can never win; either I am doing wrong because I am being me, or because I am trying to be socially acceptable and not rude...

The funny thing is that if I could have it my way there would be no people, or at least no misunderstandings, and I could just be me and not worry about the consequences.  My politeness that is sometimes thought to be flirting is probably the result of over compensating to avoid being "scary and weird" since I would really prefer not to get individual attention from these people.  It is socially unacceptable for me to just walk away when people bother me, or tell them bluntly to leave me alone, which is what I really want.

Back to your situation.  It sounds like you might have had something like what I deal with happen to you.  It is sometimes considered worse based on location or the individuals involved, which in your case includes someone that is younger than you and may be considered by some to be naive and innocent (often this is not as true as people like to consider).  Add to that the roles you play within the environment, where you are probably consider to be the more senior person due to age alone.  This all adds layers of complexity, all of which set you up to be perceived as possibly taking advantage or being predatory of her.

Now there is the additional concern of a father trying to protect his child.  In my experience it is not uncommon for them to see things as being much worse than they are when it comes to their daughters, and will imagine things that might be, but aren't actually happening, and try to prevent someone from looking upon, thinking of, or adting toward their daughters in a sexual way.  It can be really out there.  On his side, It really sucks when everyone else in the world thinks you are being crazy because you want to turn everyone, especially males,  that speak to or look at your daughter into a bloody pile of meat and bones on the ground, but they are usually right, and most people don't have the intentions this father is assuming you did.  In other words, he may just be overprotective, so don't worry too much.  Do avoid giving him any reason to think what he does.

Although these don't work for most people, the most effective solutions I have found are to not use facebook (at all, if possible, or at least not as it is intended), and to avoid interacting with most others except in an official capacity.  Especially avoid talking to those that are of enough age difference to make things iffy.  That may seem discriminatory, because it is, but it may be better for everyone.  I try to treat everyone the same, and when I was younger I liked spending a lot of time with friendly older (50+ years) people to absorb as much of their knowledge and experience as I could.  By doing so I was putting them into a potentially risky situation.  Now that I am a little older, interacting with those younger than me could lead to problems.  It doesn't help that I don't like playing the roles society dictates I should, so this is why I mentioned only interacting in an official capacity.

I don't know or understand the social interaction between everyone involved in your case, so I can't offer anything more personal or specific.  Just don't get too caught up in it or react in ways that might support the claims from others of your guilt about whatever it is they think.

 

[rygD]

1. Forget about the notion 'reality is what you can get away with'.

And you lost my support just like that.  I actually enjoy playing with ontological perception.  Some of us enjoy playing with our minds and realities, so NEVER tell others to dismiss any aspect of that.  Perhaps I should read further. I would recommend reading the book/screenplay with that title.
Upon further reading it seems we have a different understanding of that phrase. For me it has many subtle meanings, and is very deeply personal, having little to do with others with the exception of how you see or interact with them. It seems that your understanding is largely the other way around. I do agree that trying to convince others of your decency, or wearing good guy badges and such, is largely pointless, and can have the opposite result (plus it is often more fun to play the bad guy ).

Starting at number 2 I can see that we would again jump into a philosophical discussion, so it may be best if I just shut up. That doesn't mean I will...how we interact socially is a shared illusion of convenience so that people can better understand each other. If you dismiss that the result is just like any other game where someone isn't playing by the rules (as I said, I do this often), and can lead to making small problems worse. At best, people think you are interesting or odd, and much worse views include that you are crazy or hostile/bad. These don't matter to the directly to the individual, but for those that do not live in social isolation they can make even basic tasks difficult or impossible. One of the ways that you can be made immune to the drama is if they kill you, so beware... (No, I am not being dramatic, humans do kill each other for minor things, and not everyone has the FaeMinx view of existence and reality.)

The rest seems like decent advice, and pretty straightforward.

 

[FaeMinx]

^ Interestingly enough, it was that very statement you made aaaages ago that made me see red and I promptly blocked you and discounted anything you had to say from that point.


I was also convinced at the time you were actually that sociopath that drugged and raped me, and had gone to extreme lengths to create this 'make believe' identity in order to still be involved and influence my life.


I've already explained my extensive mental issues in other threads, so feel you are big enough not to take this the wrong way when I say that to myself I still haven't managed to convince myself that isn't the case... But believe me when I say I am trying, I have unblocked you after all.


It is hard for me when so much of your philosophy seems like it is coming straight from his mouth. Also hard when on other points we seem to be in complete agreement.


I appologise for these subtle attacks from me, but it is this person and his views I am attacking.


Misunderstanding and miscommunication seems to be the very essence of physical incarnation.


Edit: Don't take it too personally, there are a whole collection of forum members I've believed are actually this person in disguise. Many no longer active, but a few still are.


I'm sure they would be shocked to find out (or maybe not):


Grench


Klumpen


Strigoi (Striku)


CommanderBeef


ComradeKingu


Lora

 

[_wb_]

I volunteer in a charity shop on Saturdays & for the last 4 months we've had a couple of 15yr old Duke Of Edinburgh award helpers there, I get on very well with both but this evening accepted a Facebook friend request from the girl (dumb to begin with) & then replied/made a very stupid joke about making her father feel guilty.. got a reply from the Dad saying he's not happy about a bachelor of a certain age contacting his daughter 'in private' & suggesting that she manipulates him and to 'watch this space'

I know my actions were stupid beyond belief.. even more so after speaking to my Sister this evening who believes the girl has a crush on me after having visited the shop today, I had absolutely no idea of this & as far as I'm concerned I behave exactly the same around her as I do with everyone else there.

I'm now terrified of the fallout that may occur.. I'm certain I've conducted myself properly around her & we have never been alone for extended periods with others always in the shop.

I've spoken to a few others there & they all believe/trust me, but I'm still very uneasy about the situation. I'd be very surprised if the young lady is back next weekend (& relieved if she isn't)

I'd greatly appreciate your thoughts.

I don't understand the "very stupid joke about making her father feel guilty" thing.

I also don't know how old you are.

Written messages like facebook/pm/email are probably not a very good method of communication in this situation. I would try to contact both the father and the girl via phone or face-to-face, and just explain the situation.

 

[rygD]

FaeMinx, PM sent.

I agree with _wb_, dealing with it face to face is probably the way to go for many reasons.

 

[Garrett]

Many thanks for all your comments guys, has helped me see the bigger picture I do plan to have a face to face with the girl if she returns & her Dad if I can avoid his basball bat.

 

[Exophase]

I don't really get exactly what happened from your post but it doesn't sound like you really did anything wrong and maybe you're being too hard on yourself. What it sounds like is you committed is a social faux pas, not because you said the wrong thing to this girl but because you said anything at all outside of a public and formal context. People these days are super paranoid about adults talking to minors, especially males to females, especially someone's daughter, especially if it's online. Everyone is suspected to be a child abuser. Don't let yourself feel guilty because they're blaming you of something you didn't do and (I hope) wouldn't do.

There's been some recommendations here to try to clear the air with the daughter and father. I wouldn't do that. Just stop talking to either of them. It's not worth possibly making this worse.

 

[Null]

Edit: Don't take it too personally, there are a whole collection of forum members I've believed are actually this person in disguise. Many no longer active, but a few still are.


I'm sure they would be shocked to find out (or maybe not):


Grench


Klumpen

Strigoi (Striku)


CommanderBeef


ComradeKingu


Lora

h34r:


@Garrett Misunderstandings happen, just explain that you don't actually want to poke the daughter (to both of them), life goes on.

 

[FaeMinx]

I'm glad you don't want to poke me Striku.


Thanks for clearing that up.

 

[Null]

I'm glad you don't want to poke me Striku.


Thanks for clearing that up.

Anytime sir, anytime. Btw does this smell like chloroform to you?

 

[FBnil]

The thread reminds me of 3 things:

1. There is this exercise, where you sit down, yogi style, palms stretched. Then you put all things you like from your personality into one hand, and what you dislike into the other. Then you try to close the gap between them, ultimately touching your palms, as if praying. If done right, you feel like a chi ball between your palms when you try to close them.

2. Something Tom Campbell said once: "Love thyself". Can be interpreted as narcissistic ego tripping but also as an aid for people that do not forgive themselves each fault they make ( and feel artificially "less" of a person).

3. POKE 53280,0 (a black border makes less interference noise on a TV). Or said differently: push new stuff onto the stack only if the stack is empty. Or explained: You need closure of things before you move on. (some can just "scorched earth, move on", others can not. It depends on your personality).

Besides, if you move away without talking it out, you risk of loosing your charity shop community as well. (but you seem to made up your mind already, so that is good).

 

[FBnil]

Talking about chloroform. Did you know McFly used that on his dad?

https://www.youtube.com/embed/BaYADHcpdng?feature=oembed

 

[KickAss]

if you touched an underage girl, shame on you.


if you didnt touch her but got all the blame as if you did, shame on her.


prolly nothing to worry about.

 

[rygD]

Talking about chloroform. Did you know McFly used that on his dad?

https://www.youtube.com/embed/BaYADHcpdng?feature=oembed

If it wasn't in the films, and anything else that has been accepted, it isn't canon.  The full scene does help explain the later scene, though.  George wedged between the wall and the bed is great, and should have been kept in.

It would be great if no one needed to be visited by Darth Vader from Vulcan to help reassure them and make good choices.  I seem to screw up every step of the way.

 

[Klumpen]

I'm sure they would be shocked to find out (or maybe not):


Grench


Klumpen


Strigoi (Striku)


CommanderBeef


ComradeKingu


Lora

Not really, paranoia isn't unusual for someone like you although I didn't know it was there and so extreme.