With my real name I get the incredibly bland "Pirate Doug the Black."
With Exophase I get the marginally better "Smugglin' Brett Barbossa", hopefully some relation to johnsongrantr.
Determined to work my odds with this I got "Snifflin' Eugene Drake" with Excimer and "Pirate Harley the Rum-Swiller" with espfusion. Take your pick I guess :c
The other ones make you sound like a hypochrondriac and a drunkard, respectively. Pirate Doug the Black's not bad, though - every crew needs some generic deckhands, right?