Having formatted a 2GB section of SD to swap space, I've moved on to seeing what I can do with the USB port. The current answer is absolutely nothing. Mouse? Nope. Flashdrive? nope. WirelessN network adapter? No(actually didn't expect it to anyway). I'd try my webcam, but there's no app I'm aware of that could do anything with it.
But, she'll play not-fullscreened low-quality youtube videos, so I get one victory at least. The battery life seems to still be decent despite its age. So, 2 victories!
UPDATE: Got one of those specialty youtube apps to work! So, the quality of victory is raise. YAY!